How to let it be easy
Heads up, all! My Joyful Tarot course starts this week, on Tuesday. $497, two-month payment plan available too. Enroll here! Eight weeks of practicing Tarot, learning to read with ease, fun, confidence and intuition - who could ask for more?
Happy Sunday, Soothers. Something I've been exploring and trying to answer for myself the last few years, are these questions:
What if it gets to be easy?
What if I get what my heart wants? What if I get it with ease?
What if I don't have to experience guilt or self-criticism any longer?
What if I'm deserving of my desires?
What if I dropped the struggle?
And I ask myself these questions... and immediately my whole body and spirit freezes up, I get terrified that I'm verging into selfishness and narcissism and spiritual bypassing, I shut down the whole thought concept and return to beliefs like...
I can sometimes get what I want... but in order to do that I have to work really hard, to the point of burnout and maybe beyond, to get it
I have to work hard to PROVE I deserve this, I have to wave my effortfulness around like a flag proving I earned it
I'm a selfish person if I admit what I want, and go after it at all costs
If I get what I want, and I get it easily, other people will judge me to be a bad person and leave me (pretty much the root thought of all fears I have)
How can I let myself get what I want easily and without struggle, when so many people in this world are born into endless, violent struggles and unfairness? (I mean the answer is always a mix of white straight able-bodied privilege and oppressive systems exploiting vulnerable folks)
How dare I want stupid small silly things, when so many others are struggling? (Variation of the above)
Who am I without the struggle, even?
Who am I without self-criticism and low self-worth?
This belief system (thanks, Puritans, religion, patriarchy, capitalism and other systems that benefit from me being a low self-worth exhausted busy worker bee) has really been popping up for me lately, but I've also seen it in dear loved ones, too, and really sat with it, wondering, what if it could be easier for them? It's cemented in me JUST HOW MUCH we make struggle and guilt a part of our identities, at least in America.
Here are a few places where I've seen it lately:
In a dear child in my life. He wants a particular thing (okay, it has to do with video gaming), but he admitted to me he feels selfish for wanting it. He doesn't feel deserving of it. "Isn't it selfish for me to want this, or to ask for this, when there's war and poverty and stuff?" he asked me. "Doesn't the universe have more important things to take care of?" He's *8* and he thinks he's selfish and doesn't think he deserves the universe's attention. This makes me cry when I really think about it. Does he not deserve to think he's worthy of a heartful desire?
A dear friend of mine is getting chemo treatments for cancer. She said that the chemo is knocking her out so bad, she can't do anything but lie there some weeks she gets treatment. She admitted even she feels guilty for not being able to do anything but lie there all day and watch TV. Does she not deserve to feel she's worthy of rest?
I paused to hold open a door for a woman with a baby in a carrier today at the coffee shop and let her in front of me in line to order. She seemed grateful but embarrassed and hurried to tell me I didn't need to do that. Does she not deserve to receive aid and consideration from a stranger? (Though, I do get this can sometimes be annoying, cuz it makes you feel like you have to rush to get through the door, but she was right behind me.)
I teach many clients and members of my community to engage with their spirit guides (this is a whole 'nother essay but it's the spiritual concept that you have a team of energetic beings who are devoted to you and want to help you and build a relationship with you that serves your highest good. Probably any imaginary friends you had as a child were spirit guides). You simply talk out loud to them, ask them for support, and so on (this can be done while speaking or writing in a journal). The biggest concerns I hear about this (besides it often feeling extremely silly at first to talk out loud to invisible beings, which, point conceded) is that, "I just ask... for what I want...? I just ask for... help? Isn't that selfish, don't I need to work harder?" There's a real blocker around asking for help, even of literally invisible people-ish things (lol). Yes, just ask out loud for help. Try it. Aren't you deserving of support, no matter its source?
And with me, all the time, I watch myself as I reject my boyfriend's efforts to aid me. This is a really interesting one as I've self-observed it the last year or so, and started to allow him to do more things for me. Pick me up things at the store, even if he wasn't already going to the store. Make me a cup of tea. Put together my new desk. My ingrained proudly feminist first reaction is to say, "I don't need help with this, I can do it by myself!" Or, I, squinty-eyed, try to read into his offer that he's thinking I'm not capable. Or, worried that he will do TOO much for me, then find me annoying and burdensome, and I am quick at the draw to prevent that. But as he tells me over and over again, "I want to provide for you, to do nice things for you," I've started to allow it, and it's strengthened our relationship. Don't I deserve to receive nice things from somebody who loves me just because he loves me, literally he has no other obligation to being in my life other than he's chosen to be with me?
So. I feel like we really have this block to receiving, to ease, to support, to deservingness. And I know many of us would like to change it. How do we begin to do that?
Here are a few steps I've found useful:
1. Admit what you want to yourself. Yes, say it out loud, or write it down. Even if it feels silly, or impossible, or logical, or if you are ashamed of it. Example: I have a fair amount of clients who honestly have a desire of not working their high-powered, high-stress, high-paying job anymore, either staying at home, or finding a part-time, lower-stress job for a simpler life, but they feel like they are failing feminism when they admit this. Saying it out loud to yourself, your want that is on your heart, is the first step. (And honestly, I could also write a whole essay about how to figure out what you actually want, because this step can be pretty hard! Stay tuned!)
2. Try talking to your spirit guides about your desire, or what you need support with. It's really like having a conversation with a person in front of you, but you can't see them. "Hey, uh... spirit guides? I've been struggling with XYZ, and an area I could use support around it is, ABC." If spirit guides feel too silly, think of a beloved one who has passed, a grandparent, perhaps, and talk to them, too. The dead LOVE to be given assignments to help you, an essay for another time. If spirit guides or ancestors don't feel right, try God, universe, or "uh, whatever the f*ck is out there and might be listening and has my highest and best interests at heart." You can also journal this out instead of speaking out loud. Example: I asked my grandpa, who was a CPA (and to be clear he died over 20 years ago, so he's an ancestor) for help with a tax issue. I wrote him a letter explaining what was going on, what kind of support I could use, and an ideal outcome. It worked! Thanks, grandpa! (Then in reciprocity I gave him a gift on my ancestor altar, again... another essay for another time :)
3. Start accepting help in your own life when it's offered to you, with gratitude. Maybe it's a stranger opening a door. Maybe it's a compliment that you simply say "thank you" to. Maybe your partner or friend offers to do something for you and you actually take them up on it. Maybe it's an opportunity that appeared with ease, that you didn't have to work hard for or prove you were deserving of. Take it! Example: Say a coworker offers to buy you an iced coffee on their next coffee run, and when you offer to pay, they wave it off. Confirm, but then accept with gratitude, don't insist on paying for it, and just get the next one.
4. Sweep and tidy up your front door. Living and receiving with more ease and flow is a huge reason I learned and got certified in Feng Shui, because energetically with our homes, we can set our intention to call in what we want without having to effort really hard towards it. A super easy way of doing this is tidying up our front door (the architecturally intended front door, not the one you might use most frequently. And if you're not using your real front door, start opening it and walking in and out of it at least once a day, even if it's a little inconvenient). Hang a wreath, get a welcome mat, add some plants, sweep and tidy it up. Make it sparkle. Since life force energy comes in through our front door, this signals to the universe that you are ready to call in opportunities. Example: Years ago I had a client who was really struggling to get a new job. I knew a little Feng Shui then, but because she lived in an apartment I assumed she only had one door and was using it regularly. Never assume: not so! They had a back door and it was the only one they ever used. I had her sweep and tidy and adorn her front door and start using it once a day. No joke, within 2 weeks, multiple job offers.
Is it really all that easy? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Sometimes you'll ask out loud for what you want and the path there will take you through many challenging life lessons. A lot of the time, you still have to put in the effort and take aligned action.
But I think receiving and letting it be easy is a path many of us could explore a bit more.
So let's end here, with you genuinely trying this on for size:
No, you're not greedy if you get more abundance or more success or more love.
No, you won't turn into a narcissistic monster if you go after and get the things you want.
No, you're not a bad person if things come to you with ease.
I see too often that we think if we get good things, or "too much," we'll mess it up or turn into a careless, greedy person, or start forgetting about others' needs, or whatever other negative consequence our inner critic can come up with.
Try this on instead:
You are a trusted steward of what is given to you, you deserve it, you will wield it with strength, compassion and honor, and you will use it to help others on their path as well.
It's time to start acting like it.