3 ways I am learning to surrender
Happy Sunday, Soothers. I joke often (maybe even in this newsletter before?) that if I ever write a book or start a new newsletter it will be called, "But... how?" where I break down general concepts that you KNOW you should do (forgive somebody else; let go; have an abundant mindset; practice self-compassion) but like... you don't know how. And I would give you step by step ACTUAL PRACTICES to do the thing. Like, forgiveness. I have 4 exercises you can do, this one meditation, this one letter writing thing, this one journaling exercise. Like, ACTIONABLE SHIT. And when you do those exercises, you are then forgiving more easily!
I find this to be the most missing from the self-help world. "Forgive!" Okay, but... HOW?! Like seriously give me a goddamn checklist. I know I should forgive but I could use a little help on what steps to take to get there.
You got it! Today I am giving you some resources that generally help me with something I struggle with the most: surrender. As a control freak and codependent, letting go is... haha. I hate it. For my astrology bubs, I have so much Capricorn and Virgo it would make your head spin, and those are very controlling signs. (Also beautiful and smart and the best, but not known for our chill.)
But surrender is something I want to practice so much more in my life, especially as my spirituality has grown and deepened over the years. If I trust that there are benevolent forces and energies that are taking care of stuff behind the scenes and want to help me... I gotta learn to walk the talk in that area.
For me, surrender has been largely about letting go of the concept that I know best. And the best practice for me to surrender over and over again has been reminding myself of the concept that I don't know how anything should work out, and what could be happening that I think is The Worst may actually be working out in my favor in ways I just can't understand.
Here are a few approaches, stories, and quotes that help me with this lifelong practice:
The parable of the Taoist Farmer
You've probably heard this tale in some capacity, but to me it is the best, most elegant description of surrender and is something I carry with me in my metaphorical pocket every day. It goes along these lines:
There was once a farmer in ancient China who owned a horse. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours told him, “to have a horse to pull the cart for you.” “Maybe,” the farmer replied. One day he didn’t latch the gate properly and the horse ran away. “Oh no! That is terrible news!” his neighbours cried. “Such bad luck!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied. A few days later the horse returned, bringing with it six wild horses. “How fantastic! You are so lucky,” his neighbours told him. “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The following week the farmer’s son was breaking-in one of the wild horses when it threw him to the ground, breaking his leg. “Oh no!” the neighbours cried. “Such bad luck, all over again!” “Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next day soldiers came and took away all the young men to fight in the army. The farmer’s son was left behind. “You are so lucky!” his neighbours cried. “Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The takeaway: We just don't know. We just... don't know. Any situation that could be happening to us that seems horrible (a layoff, a breakup, a fight) could be the very thing that brings us blessings on the very next puff of wind. We just don't know. Haha I hate it too.
God/Universe source took your thing and that's okay
I googled forever trying to find the source of this but can't, oh well, but I'll never forget when I read it. The advice the person was giving was something along these lines; to think of any material item that has gone missing as having gone back to "god source" or "universe source" and it's okay and to let it go. In particular they were saying something like, "Say you came home and your stereo is gone, you just say, 'Oh, the stereo has gone back to god source!'" and that's that. Like there's just one energetic center that material items are flowing in and out of; they could go missing from us, or return to us, who knows; essentially it's a non-attachment perspective. I practiced this recently when one of my favorite Tarot decks went missing. I could have spent a day frantically hunting it down and moaning miserably about how I'd lost it and berating myself, but I just thought, "Well, guess god source has that inner child Tarot deck now." And who's to know — maybe I left it behind at a retreat or in a cafe, and the person who found it really, really needed it, more than I did, and in fact finding that Tarot deck sparked a whole awakening for them, and that was the way it was supposed to be. Or who knows, maybe it's in a box in my attic somewhere from my move and I don't realize it, but I was becoming overdependent on it and god source wanted me to detach from it a bit so it helped me "lose it" so I could focus on other decks or ways of getting insight and it will come back into my life at just the moment I need it. Thanks, god source!
A simple mindset reframe journal prompt
The thing to journal on: What are 10-20 reasons the thing that is happening right now, that I'm classifying as a roadblock or a negative issue, is actually perfect and useful and helping me?
This prompt is one I use for myself frequently when I'm working to surrender, especially in the face of something I'm categorizing as 100% bad, a problem, a crisis. Let me share an example.
One day, I was having what we in the coaching biz would classify as a, uh, "bad" day. Two clients who had planned on extending their coaching backed out. Somebody who had signed up for a program decided not to, and wanted their deposit back. I'd gotten a negative email in response to some content I had posted.
But I girded my mindset loins, because I knew these bummer situations were asking something more of me: To lean into their invitations.
I sat down for 20 minutes and forced my brain to come up with 20 reasons each of these things were actually perfect for me and were going to end up serving me. Reasons like, these spaces will allow for more aligned clients to come in. Or that ups and downs in biz are normal and I needed to learn to navigate them more adroitly. These circumstances were going to force me to get creative in my marketing to re-sell the spots. And on and on.
And guess what? Within the next week, 7 people signed up for my program. Two new perfect 1:1 clients came through. And, most importantly, I didn't feel self-pitying and in victim mode. I could really start to see how things were working out and how I had agency.
I've had clients and friends use this prompt for everything to a delayed flight, to a bad date, to a conflict at work and more. And it's not about toxic positivity and forcing ourselves to think something is great when it's sad or disappointing or harmful. Those times, we need to process those emotions and acknowledge our pain. But in times like these, when you can't stop ruminating about a circumstance you're assuming is bad or negative, try this prompt. Leaning into the magic of learning to make your mind more flexible and growth oriented is so critical for surrender because it helps you start to see how the way you thought something SHOULD HAVE or NEEDED to go, wasn't actually the only, or even the best way. That maybe, just maybe, something was working out for you in a way you couldn't yet see.
And of course, for surrender, I always turn to the original on this topic: Rumi. Two quotes that help me enormously:
"Be crumbled, so wildflowers will come up where you are. You've been stony for too many years. Try something different. Surrender.”
“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?"
Well said, Mr. Poet dude.
Finally, I often think of this anecdote as reported by Eckhart Tolle: In "A New Earth," Eckhart Tolle recounts a singular moment in a lecture given by the great enlightened thinker, Jiddu Krishnamurti. Stopping his lecture momentarily, Krishnamurti asked his audience if they wanted to know his "secret." The lecture hall reportedly went silent as the audience waited to hear the pith of Krishnamurti's teaching, the kernel at the heart of the often obscure wisdom that Krishnamurti sought to convey. "This is my secret," he is purported to have said, "I do not mind what happens.
I'm trying it out... this whole, not minding what happens. I mean I mostly hate it, but I see the wisdom, too.
I do not know what's best.
My way is not the only way.
My attempts for control are attempts for safety, so what instead if I focused on cultivating safety inside of me in any situation rather than trying to force situations to be controlled so that I am THEN feeling safe?
Last fall I recorded this podcast, a "releasing control" experiment episode and you may want to listen to that for some more grounded examples of ways I continue to try to embody surrender in my day-to-day life.
Here's to introducing a bit more flow, a bit more release, a bit more not minding, a bit more ease, a bit more surrender into all of our lives. Join me on my metaphorical life raft, as it winds down the river, and I do my best, even though I'm so often scared, to release my sweaty little grip on my paddles, to stop trying to row upstream in the direction I think I "should" be going, and instead float along to see what may come.