Better understanding codependency, and how to start recovering from it
Happy Sunday, Soothers. I remember when it first clicked for me that I was codependent, and what that truly meant. I had thought codependency was all about couples who were overly reliant on each other, and as somebody who had struggled with dating for years, I thought surely the term couldn't apply to me.
But at some point something clicked: codependency was, as I now define it, a behavior that is based on sourcing our self-worth, self-acceptance, identity and safety on something external to us. And in fact, you can be codependent with people, certainly, but also, I believe, with any number of things: jobs. Job TITLES. Salary. Money. People's approval and validation. Time. Productivity levels. And so on, and so forth.
Oh. Huh. Yup. I can see that.
As I've continued my recovery from codependency over the last few years, it's become something that is a pillar in my teaching and coaching work. In fact, I've dedicated the month of April to it in my mastermind for highly sensitive women, Soothe, and there was one woman in there who had a breakthrough around codependency that I wanted to share (with permission).
She had been struggling with the concept that co-dependency means learning to source your self-worth, identity, safety and self-acceptance solely from yourself (eventually! it's a tall order!), but as somebody with hyper-independent tendencies, she was worried that this sort of work would further isolate her. But then she came to this:
I was going to ask about reconciling two ideas around co-dependence. I'm understanding that ideally we should be able to source enough-ness, worth, and safety from ourselves. I can even imagine what that looks and feels like. But historically I've been self-reliant in an unhealthy way, and I'm working on trying to get to healthy interdependence. When I hear "me and me alone," I get excited because I feel so much more comfortable doing things on my own. So I'm also now trained to ask "But is that my unhealthy self-reliance speaking, or should I be engaging other people here?" I think the distinction I can see is that other people can't give me self-worth, but they can give or help me out with other things. The realization is that I've been doing it backwards! I've been looking to other people for validation but haven't been asking them for support or help to meet my needs, which is what they can actually do for me.
I wrote back this:
Yes, yes yes! I use trees a lot for this metaphor. The codependent tree is leaning on another tree, asking the other tree to carry all its weight, all its safety. The hyper-independent tree lives by itself outside of the forest, sourcing everything from its self, never making asks of other trees. But the interdependent tree lives in a forest. It stands strong and upright on its own roots. but it's part of an ecosystem. Through its roots it's sending messages to other trees, sharing nutrients, helping other trees and asking for help. It's party of a healthy ecosystem of sharing and helping but it still stands strong in its roots alone.
So today's Soothers goes out to my codependents, my people-pleasers, my perfectionists, my goodists. There IS a world where you eventually learn how to source your self-worth simply from your tender heart and soul; a world where you learn boundaries, and how to say no, and authentic yeses; a world where you care for others and they care for you but your safety is not dependent on what they think of you.
If you're ready to learn to recovery from codependency in dating, my flagship dating course, An Introduction to Intentional Dating is now open through the end of April for you. This course helps you unwind unhelpful patterns, reduce anxiety and shame in dating, and get clarity on what you really need in romantic relationships. It's 12 weeks and starts in May, and I'd love to have you join the dozens of people already in there, ready to make this shift.Happy Sunday, Soothers. I remember when it first clicked for me that I was codependent, and what that truly meant. I had thought codependency was all about couples who were overly reliant on each other, and as somebody who had struggled with dating for years, I thought surely the term couldn't apply to me.
But at some point something clicked: codependency was, as I now define it, a behavior that is based on sourcing our self-worth, self-acceptance, identity and safety on something external to us. And in fact, you can be codependent with people, certainly, but also, I believe, with any number of things: jobs. Job TITLES. Salary. Money. People's approval and validation. Time. Productivity levels. And so on, and so forth.
Oh. Huh. Yup. I can see that.
As I've continued my recovery from codependency over the last few years, it's become something that is a pillar in my teaching and coaching work. In fact, I've dedicated the month of April to it in my mastermind for highly sensitive women, Soothe, and there was one woman in there who had a breakthrough around codependency that I wanted to share (with permission).
She had been struggling with the concept that co-dependency means learning to source your self-worth, identity, safety and self-acceptance solely from yourself (eventually! it's a tall order!), but as somebody with hyper-independent tendencies, she was worried that this sort of work would further isolate her. But then she came to this:
I was going to ask about reconciling two ideas around co-dependence. I'm understanding that ideally we should be able to source enough-ness, worth, and safety from ourselves. I can even imagine what that looks and feels like. But historically I've been self-reliant in an unhealthy way, and I'm working on trying to get to healthy interdependence. When I hear "me and me alone," I get excited because I feel so much more comfortable doing things on my own. So I'm also now trained to ask "But is that my unhealthy self-reliance speaking, or should I be engaging other people here?" I think the distinction I can see is that other people can't give me self-worth, but they can give or help me out with other things. The realization is that I've been doing it backwards! I've been looking to other people for validation but haven't been asking them for support or help to meet my needs, which is what they can actually do for me.
I wrote back this:
Yes, yes yes! I use trees a lot for this metaphor. The codependent tree is leaning on another tree, asking the other tree to carry all its weight, all its safety. The hyper-independent tree lives by itself outside of the forest, sourcing everything from its self, never making asks of other trees. But the interdependent tree lives in a forest. It stands strong and upright on its own roots. but it's part of an ecosystem. Through its roots it's sending messages to other trees, sharing nutrients, helping other trees and asking for help. It's party of a healthy ecosystem of sharing and helping but it still stands strong in its roots alone.
So today's Soothers goes out to my codependents, my people-pleasers, my perfectionists, my goodists. There IS a world where you eventually learn how to source your self-worth simply from your tender heart and soul; a world where you learn boundaries, and how to say no, and authentic yeses; a world where you care for others and they care for you but your safety is not dependent on what they think of you.
If you're ready to learn to recovery from codependency in dating, my flagship dating course, An Introduction to Intentional Dating is now open through the end of April for you. This course helps you unwind unhelpful patterns, reduce anxiety and shame in dating, and get clarity on what you really need in romantic relationships. It's 12 weeks and starts in May, and I'd love to have you join the dozens of people already in there, ready to make this shift.