How to feel less alone

Happy Sunday, Soothers. A few years ago, I was weeping in my seat as, on the Zoom screen in front of me, a kindly middle-aged woman named Sandy was guiding me through an inner visualization that was supposed to help me understand why I felt so fucking burnt out, so alone, so exhausted, so tired, so unable to ask for or receive help, especially as I started the first years of my business.

Sandy does what's called Focusing, which to me is related to Parts Work. Parts Work is a therapeutic lens that assumes that each of us has many different parts to our minds and psyches. And the International Focusing Institute says of Focusing, that "Focusing is an experiential, embodied and evidence-based practice of self-reflection. During Focusing, your attention will open up to multiple layers and aspects of living. It’s called Focusing because it requires a special kind of “focus” to notice what is not yet clear, fuzzy and vague, implicit in how you interact with your situations and environment. This fuzzy dimension of experience is called the “felt sense.” Focusing on the “felt sense” allows an in-depth clarification process to happen."

But don't worry about all the lingo and mumble-jumble. All I knew is, that in that moment, I found this deeply burnt-out part and I could sense her. 

She was about 9 years old, and she was wearing a worn dress and apron and had a rag over her shoulder. 

She was in charge of managing a whole farm, and she was so, so tired by all she had to do.

She also dragged around a 3 or 4-year-old child by the hand, who was holding a teddy bear, and who just wanted to be able to slow down, and play.

But the older girl couldn't let her do that. "There's too much to do!" she cried, racing from task to task, frantic, exhausted, alone.

She knew she was too young to be managing a whole farm, and yet, she didn't know what else to do. There was nobody else around to help, and surely the farm would collapse if she weren't there to do all the work.

I wept, feeling the terror and panic and exhaustion of this too-young girl. It was so familiar. This was my part that was hyper-independent. That did all the work by herself, out of fear of what might happen if she slowed down or stopped. That didn't see any way that anybody else could help her.

As far as she could see, she was alone on the farm but for the younger child who just wanted to play, and everything, EVERYTHING, was up to her. She could never relax.

Sandy encouraged me to stay with this part, witnessing her pain and confusion and exhaustion, but guiding me with gentle questions, too.

"Just stay. See what unfolds. See what might come."

She guided me through some other prompts and questions...

And we started to see them.

Over the top of the ridge of the farm, in my mind's eye, I could sense it unfolding. 

The 9-year-old paused. 

"I see them!" she cried. "They're coming!"

Over the hill, there were dozens of them.

Different versions of myself, marching to the farm, coming to support the little girl.

Older parts. Wiser parts. Capable parts. Helper parts. 

They came and swept up the little girl, put her to the side, and started their work.

"You get to sit here and play now," they told her. "We'll take care of everything. You're not alone."

And this was my first introduction to the concept that, even when I felt most alone physically, support, or community wise, my inner world and its village of parts, and the outer world, in the form of nature, spirit, and the universe had endless resources to help me. 

To be a high-achieving highly sensitive person is in many ways to have been utterly conditioned to be hyper-independent, terrified of asking for help, or receiving it. To manage everything, to feel the need to control everything out of safety.

And yes, it's often true: Maybe in the physical world of humans, we might be alone or unsupported. The way our society's oppressive systems are set up, they're designed to isolate us, separate us, because they know that the power of true community is to be feared. 

And so many of my clients are hyper-independent, ultra-responsible, total good girls who work to the point of burnout and believe that they have to do and manage everything all alone, and all by themselves. 

But THIS ISN'T TRUE.  

Even when there are not the people around to support you, the natural world and the spiritual realm deeply want to support and help you, they’re just waiting for you to ask.

Here are seven ways to start. And if you're skeptical or want to roll your eyes... just give at least one a try. They work, promise :) 

1. Create a ‘universe box’ Get a pretty box, and put in it a list of things you want to come to fruition but that you can’t figure out right now. Tuck it away on your altar or dresser and let magic unfold.

2. Recruit a nature ally This could be a tree in your yard, a cat you see in your neighborhood, or a local creek. Go whisper to them all the things you need help with, and say, “Will you be my ally in these?”

3. Start daily conversations with your spirit guides, who are your spiritual support team It’s easy, I promise. Just talk out loud and say, “Spirit guides, can you help me with X, Y, Z, for the highest good of all involved?”

4. Ask your house for help Using the feng shui bagua map, go to the area of your home that has to do with your needs or goals. Tidy it up, and give the space a new crystal, candle, plant or flowers. Ask if it will help you in your desires.

5. Petition your ancestors Do you have a loved one who’s passed who might have the skills to help you out with your situation? Write them a letter or speak out loud what you need help with, and what support you could use.

6. On your to-do list, add space for a “delegate to the universe” list Put things here you need done, but just can’t handle.

7. Ask your higher self for guidance On the top of a page, write, “Dear higher self, I need help with ______.” Then, channeling that part of yourself, begin writing back from their perspective.

Important caveat: We're not here to treat nature, our spirit guides, our ancestors or our homes as transactional cash registers who should just give us support and ease and whatever we want just because we asked out loud for it. Make these practices sacred, and also reciprocal. What are you giving back? Are you in right relationship with these entities, too? Are you taking the lessons offered to you, and doing the work?

And also know that sometimes the support that we ask for we don't get, and it's not because this stuff doesn't work. It's because 1. It's not time for it yet. 2. Something even better is on its way 3. We DID get what we asked for, it just wasn't exactly how we thought it "should" look or 4. You have some beautiful life lessons and growth that are happening and need to deepen, and it's best to place your focus there.

All of life can be a devotional practice, when you surrender to the truth that you're not alone, that unseen beings and energies want to help you, and that you're mean to be here to learn, grow, be of service, and enjoy the incredibly unique and special soul that is you.

Let the world around you help you and support you.

You are not alone.

I am rooting for you.

PS: If you'd like to work with Sandy and her Focusing, I can highly recommend her and have referred many clients to her. Learn more about her work and book with her here and book a first-time session here.

PPS: A couple beautiful books I recently read related to this, especially your ancestors and loved ones who have passed supporting you, are Perdita Finn's Take Back the Magic: Conversations with the Unseen World, and Laura Lynne Jackson's two books, The Light Between Us, and Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe.