Instead of trying positive thinking, try this

Happy Sunday, Soothers. Since I work primarily with sensitive women, a lot of what we delve into is the loops of negative thinking, processing, and ruminating our sweet brains can get caught up in.

This can cause us a lot of shame. If you struggle with negative thinking, you truly know how painful it can feel, and you probably also know what can be called "the second arrow" of suffering about it. The parable of the second arrow is a Buddhist parable about dealing with suffering more skillfully. In this case, the first arrow is the fact that we as sensitive women often inherently struggle with negative thinking. The second arrow is the shame and self-blame we then experience in reaction to the first arrow.

The parable goes like this: The Buddha once asked a student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?” The student replied, “It is.” The Buddha then asked, “If the person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?” The student replied again, “It is.” The Buddha then explained, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.”

So often when I see myself or my clients and students experience negative thinking, their second arrow comes in the form of forcing ourselves to try to think more positively, then blaming ourselves for not being able to think positive thoughts in reaction to or instead of the original negative thoughts.

"Ugh! I *should* be so grateful! I need to go write a gratitude list and I should be thinking more positively about all of this," is a refrain I often hear.

But I think there is a fallacy in this approach to negative thinking. It assumes, one, that the direct opposite of an unwanted state is "better." Positive is "better" than negative.

Secondly, it's simply not helpful. Our human brains are not really inclined to be thinking positive thoughts without a lot of dedication and intention. They're basically threat detection and problem-solving machines. So their job isn't necessarily to be able to "think more positively."

What I like to offer instead is the framing of the question, in response to negative thinking is not, "How can I make this thought more positive?"

Try asking instead, "What would be more useful to think here?"

There are a few reasons this is a better approach, in my opinion. One, like I said, our brains are not positive emotion generating machines, but they ARE supercomputers that have an uncanny ability to solve any question or problem we put to them.

Two, when we put our brains to that question, it starts to point us to action we can take, which makes us feel better, like we have more personal agency about a situation (which we always do), instead of stewing in the rumination.

Finally, it helps us expand our thinking more flexibly. The assumption that if we're thinking negatively, the only other option is to try to think positively, is black and white thinking, and can cause us a lot of further pain. Without fail, those that I see experience less resistance and mental anguish in life are those that can think flexibly about any given situation, instead of restricting themselves into an either/or binary, which doesn't promote possibility or often a way forward.

So the next time you find yourself caught in a negative thought or thinking loop (which is inevitable! it's part of what our brains evolved to do) stop yourself from trying to force yourself into a positive thought or positive way of thinking.

Simply ask yourself, "What might be more useful to think here instead?" and follow the thought from there.

It will lead you down the most interesting paths. Promise.