What's "dirty" self-care, and why doesn't it work?
It's no news that the kind of self-care we've been sold isn't really working for anybody in its current form.
But in my experience, it's a little harder to articulate why. That's what I'm going to try to do today.
I thought I'd explore this after the newsletter Recomendo shared my post, My favorite healing resources to help you move past talk therapy, and Claudia, one of the Recomendo authors, called me a "self-care expert."
I honestly hadn't ever thought of myself that way, but I was like, hell, let's run with this (thanks Claudia!). And then it got me thinking about, well if others see me as a self-care expert... how do I even define self-care for myself? And why do I see clients who come to me having tried a lot of things, self-care-y things even, feel totally burnt out, anxious, and not nourished by the things they are trying?
As I thought about it, I started to frame it for myself like this: the self-care we're currently engaging in is mostly a consumerized one predicated on attaining standards laid out by white supremacy, capitalism and the patriarchy, which means when we're engaging in these acts, they're more about "fixing" ourselves, rather than nourishing ourselves.
We all know that these kind of systems are laid on a foundation of perfectionism, workaholism, impossible body and beauty standards, and "positive vibes only," and through them we're either implicitly or explicitly told that if we engage in certain acts self-care, then we'll be fine, and we'll feel good, and if those types of acts of self-care don't work for us, then we're the problem, not the system.
Now, as you may know if you've been reading the Soother for a while, I'm a big believer that it's the systems that are trash and broken, and that the individuals (and you! and me!) are already whole and perfect. In fact, this post from Nap Ministry is my number one post of 2020 and I will reshare it weekly til the end of time.
Many of us are waking up to this fact, but many of us are still caught in the seduction of these systems and the low self-worth and self-loathing they engender. However, we know at some level, that something is wrong, something doesn't feel good, and I think we try to respond by engaging in four types of self-care that, even though we're hoping for otherwise, don't always help.
And we know at some deep level they don't help, but they're the types of self-care that the very same systems that have convinced us we are broken are selling to us, they're the mainstream acts of self-care that are available to us, so we go for them.
In this week's post, I'm going to break down these four types of self-care, what they look like, why they don't really help, and offer you a fifth type of self-care that, in my hopes and wishes, will help you understand you are already whole, perfect, worthy, and enough; you just may need some guidance to getting there.
So the tricky thing about these four kinds of self-care is that any act of self-care could fall under any of them — and any act of self-care that falls under these four could also actually be really nourishing and important and feel good!
Like, "putting on a face mask and taking a bath" could fall under the category below of "band-aid fixes," but if done with the right intention and energy, can actually feel really dang good.
On the other hand, something like meditating or journaling, which can be true acts of self-care, might feel draining or dread-inducing if you're bringing the energy of shame and 'fixing' yourself to them.
So the issue with self-care here is not so much the acts or items or things themselves, but the energy that is brought in the moment before choosing to do an act of self-care.
Here are the four dominant types of self-care energy I see brought to play that don't work because they only leave you feeling more burnt-out, broken, ashamed, or empty. Sometimes I refer to these energies and the acts of self-care that stem from them as “dirty” self-care, the kind that we’re doing because we’ve been made to feel bad or dirty for who we are.
Shame-driven
Band-aid
Rebellion
Numbing
Let me preface this all by saying: it is not your fault and you are not bad or weak if you've been using these four kinds of self-care energies. In fact, it's the inevitable outcome of the society we live in that you would absolutely do these kinds of self-care. And in some cases they may work, or have worked, and that's great, too. This post is meant not to make you feel bad for doing any of these, only to point out 1. that these systems are in place and failing us 2. that there is another way.
Shame-driven self-care: This is the kind of self-care attempts that are self-care masked as fixing yourself to fit the unrealistic and cruel expectations set by systems of white supremacy, patriarchy and capitalism. The energy behind it feels punishing, and shameful; you're engaging in the acts of self-care not necessarily because they will feel good and nourishing, but because you feel as if you have to fix something faulty in yourself.
Could be stuff like: eating healthy masked as dieting; working out hard masked as trying to lose weight; meditating because you want to "fix" your anxiety; going on a cleaning binge because you think you're a slob.
Hopefully you're getting the vibe here, because the reality is eating healthy, working out, cleaning and meditating can be, of course, wonderful acts of self-care. But the questions here to ask yourself to do the energy check are:
Does the energy feel punishing? Does the energy feel obligatory? Are you using words like "should;" are you feeling deficient in some capacity and using self-care as a method of trying to 'fix' that thing you believe is wrong or broken with you? Were you criticizing yourself right before you decided to do this act of self-care? Is there an aura of self-optimization about it? Self-care so you can work harder, do more, be more efficient, be praised? (Jia Tolentino's excerpt from Trick Mirror here addresses this adroitly)
If so, it's possible the act of self-care you're engaging in is shame-based, fixer-upper vibes, and you can let it go, cuz there's nothing to fix about you, and nothing for you to be ashamed about.
Band-aid self-care: These are items like face masks and baths, new skincare purchases or other purchased goods. Now, these things are nice and can truly be part of a nourished self-care routine but they're also just bandaids we're applying to the gaping wounds inflicted on us by these systems and wondering why they don't work, and thinking that there must be something wrong with us. No, we all know by now a bubble bath ain't gonna fix white supremacy.
The thing I always think about when thinking about band-aid self-care is an ad I saw for an alcoholic seltzer... that was organic and also had probiotics and anti-oxidants!!!
Like... great?
I mean, jesus. We can talk about alcohol and its role in white supremacy + capitalism later and the brainwashing of our society that's gone on around drinking, but my friend, you cannot be destroying your gut lining with alcohol and thinking the probiotics in it are also going to save you. That is the very definition of a band-aid self-care act, drinking alcohol that also has something vaguely, buzz-word-y, good in it for you.
The energy here will feel: harried. Going for the quickest fix possible. Usually there is a consumer element here of buying something to do in the self-care act; the latest bath salts or sheet masks, or, ya know, "organic" alcohol. The energy here doesn't go very deep; it's not a matter of figuring out how to leave a toxic job, it's the energy of, "I'm going to buy myself a new toy to distract myself from my toxic job."
This self-care is fine; baths and candles are super nice. There's nothing bad about indulging in this form of self-care as long as you don't expect it will address the systemic and root issues of our low-self-worth inducing systems, which is something we have to work on collectively.
The things you might want to consider here: do you have a toxic job? Are you in toxic relationships, with people or with habits or objects? The remedy here is going deep about the things in your life that may truly be making you feel unworthy, and seeing if you can detangle yourself from them.
Rebellion self-care: Ah, this was my favorite kind of self-care, and frankly, it's inevitable for each of us that we will use this form of self-care at some point, because we get real tired of feeling real shitty and we're going to want to stick up a middle finger and this is definitely one way to do it.
These are going to be the acts of self-care that say, "Fuck you, I deserve this thing." Drinking a bottle of wine. Spending more money than we meant on online shopping. Over-indulgence in some sort of form.
The energy is angry toddler, lashing out, sullen but fierce energy. It's the energy of, "Goddammit I've been working so hard, and trying so hard, and nothing seems to matter, so fuck it, I'm going to go all in on this thing, because what's the point anyways?"
Again, having some great wine or dessert or buying ourselves a nice item are wonderful things; you just have to ask yourself if you're doing it out of real intent, or rebellion? And is the act of rebellion serving you?
Numbing out self-care: Very zoned-out here. Wanting to leave your cares behind. Escaping the reality that is our often-cruel and diminishing and unfair world. Oftentimes a mix between rebellion and band-aid; numbing out with booze or Netflix or scrolling.
Again, numbing self-care is a coping mechanism, and any coping mechanism was developed as a smart tool that helps us in the moment, so, like any of these other self-care flavors, there's nothing shameful or bad about having used it. In fact, it may have been very necessary at times in your life, or gotten you through tough times, and that is a good thing.
The energy here is to disconnect; to leave your body and heart and zone out; to let a type of media or substance wash over you so you don't really have to think any more.
As you can maybe see right now, this is a subtle, layered topic. Any of the items or acts I listed above could honestly be awesome and genuinely make you feel really good.
But the likelihood is that if they're coming from one of the four above energies, they may over time leave you feeling emptier rather than more nourished.
So how do we do different?
First we must acknowledge two things:
I will say it for the seats in the back: Our systems are trash and actually built on a foundation of us feeling unworthy. When we feel unworthy, we will work harder, buy more, and continue to place the power of improvement into the hands of capitalism or standards set by dark forces. And the reality is all the self-care in the world — even the "good" kind! — won't fix those systems. Political acts, voting, volunteering, donating, will. Fighting for and participating in our democracy will.
At the same time, the duality here is that we still must engage in acts of self-care, even if those acts of self-care do not in and of themselves on their own change the systems. There's no way you've gotten to 2020 without at least glancing at quotes and excerpts from activists like Audre Lorde, bell hooks, and others who define self-love and self-care as radical and political acts. See here: "Self care has its radical and political roots in the civil rights and women’s rights movements, where women and people of color viewed controlling their health as a corrective to the failures of a white, patriarchal medical system to properly tend to their needs.”
So the reality and the contradiction here is you must engage in self-care to sustain change.
And when it gets truly transformative is when that self-care is not any of the four kinds of energy above, but true joyful, nourishing, spacious acts of self-care. Acts of self-care that don't have a "point." That involve play. That are predicated on making you feel good because you deserve to feel good, not because you need to improve anything about yourself.
How can you start getting there?
I'm a big believer in asking better questions to get better outcomes, so I created a list of questions you can ask yourself to dig a little deeper on the things you're trying to nourish yourself in your life.
What was I doing in the moment right before I decided to do this?
Why do I want to do this thing?
Is there a goal-based outcome or hope for this, or is it just play?
Does it feel like play or does it feel like work?
Will this help my future self? (This is a good one when we come up against “shoulds” in self-care. Sometimes the should is shame-based, and sometimes it really would be a good idea to do the dishes and workout because it will make Future You feel taken care of)
Does this meet or serve one of my core values?
Is this tied to productivity or improving or fixing myself?
Is there a way I can make this simpler or easier? (I ask this sometimes when I’m dreading meditation because I feel like I have to do like 30 minutes of it. I let myself do 5 or 10 instead)
Is the goal of this is to nourish me as I am, or punish me for not being something or someone else?
The reality is, and it took me 40 years to get here, self-care when you do it for you, and you alone, because you have realized you’re a divine being who deserves care and joy and play and movement and good food and self-compassion — well, it stops feeling like an obligation. It starts to feel like a privilege, and a birthright.
The “dirty” self-care is the kind of self-care that comes from a place of believing you’re broken and gross and need to be whipped into shaped or changed into something else.
The “clean” self-care is nourishing, sustainable, self-care that’s meant to enhance our self-worth and self-acceptance and help us go after meaningful goals and changes while loving and taking care of ourselves.
It’s depressing to really think about how white supremacy, patriarchy, capitalism, have stripped us of our love of ourselves as a tool of oppression. If we hate and doubt ourselves — hate and doubt our minds, our bodies, our desires — we'll buy or engage in any quick fix, we'll stay stuck in front of the TV, we'll try half-heartedly to stick to a meditation routine or go for a run but because we've been trained to doubt our own goddamn power it will feel too hard to trust we can keep on sticking to those things that will help us rise.
Try out this idea around self-care: It gets to feel good.
Because you are good.
And it’s as simple as that.
My new course, Introduction to Living an Intentional Life, is open. Are you tired of feeling like a passive participant in your own story — but aren’t sure how or where to start building an authentic life that you love? Want to conquer self-doubt and start taking action on your dreams, but need guidance and encouragement? Looking for support and useful strategies to better understand yourself, and gain confidence that the life you dream of is one you can create? Come join me and the other students for a small-group, 8-week coaching experience! We start mid-October. Use the rest of 2020 for self-exploration, and set yourself up for more purpose and meaning in 2021.