The best questions I ask myself

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Happy Sunday, Soothers. Last week I promised to share with you four practices I've begun using this year to genuinely actually engage with fear and begin to release it. I have this whole Soother outlined, but then a lot came up this week (to make it an understatement). My 96-year-old grandmother had a cerebral stroke (we're not sure her status or if/when she'll be able to be moved out of the hospital. And of course we can't be with her, visiting hours are still extremely restrictive). My little sister will be getting married in 6 days. And my whole family is just tired, as you can imagine. So I will prepare the fear strategies post for the next newsletter, because I want to put a lot of heart and thought into it so you can use as we transition into this spring and summer of vaccinations and re-entering whatever the world may look like. (As you can imagine, I am using a lot of these strategies right now!)

So when I was thinking what else I might write about, I thought about questions. I think a lot of people like my work and my coaching because I ask really good questions. I heard a long time ago the concept of asking high-quality questions to determine high-quality answers (whatever that means) and I used to dismiss it as self-help fluff but I've found through my work with myself and others that honestly it's true.

So whenever I am facing sticky situations, or fearful ones, or I find myself caught in a fear or shame attack and loop that threatens to take over, or really, any time, I return to this list of questions to remind myself, over and over again, that if I ask the right questions, I'll find the right answers.

I offer these up to you today, too. Print them out; put them on a post-it by your desk or bed; stick it in the Notes app of your iPhone. Because sometimes, to get a different perspective on a situation that feels hopeless, a simple reframe from the right question can get you moving again.

Here you go:

• Am I attempting to mind-read somebody else's intentions in this situation?

• How could I give myself what I'm hoping this other person will give me?

• Is this thought arising from shame or fear? What is a thought I can have from self-compassion or hope instead?

• Can I name three things I need right now?

• Can I name three things I could let go of right now?

• Can I figure out a way to make this 5% easier on myself?

• What answer feels easiest to me?

• What if what felt right to me, was right?

• Who may be benefiting from how I am thinking or feeling right now?

• Is there a way I am benefiting or protecting myself from continuing to believe or act this way?

• Where is this situation reflecting some hurt inside of me, and how can I tend to that hurt?

• Where am I feeling this in my body? What wisdom does that sensation have to tell me?

• If nobody was watching or judging me, what decision would I make?

• What would 5-years-down-the-road-me tell me to do?

• What would it look like to trust?

• Would this decision make my life bigger or smaller?

• Is it true? (hat tip to the great Byron Katie)

• Do I want to keep thinking this thing? Why or why not?