The importance of pre-care and after-care plans
Happy Sunday, Soothers. Today I want to talk about something I think is essential living for the highly sensitive person — or hell, the general human — that we overlook, and that is the importance of creating a pre-care and after-care plan for things that may be difficult in our lives.
Let me back up. We are humans, in a human body, on an insane and often awful earth, doing our best to muddle through, catch up on Ted Lasso, while trying to eke out embers of joy living under capitalism, white supremacy, the patriarchy, etc. You know, the basics.
In this human meat sack and human life, we're also often having to do Hard Things. The range of suckiness can include everything from a dentist visit to having to lay somebody off to travel, even if it's travel to a pleasurable place, if travel is hard on our bodies.
Too often I see folks intent on dealing with the Hard Thing one of two ways: just pure tension and muscling their way through it with teeth gritted; or trying in a billion ways to find the One Perfect Thing that will make the Hard Thing the Easy Thing. (A lot of the time there is a third way — total and utter avoidance of the Hard Thing — but we're not focusing on that one today.)
Instead, what I think is more useful is acceptance that often, the Hard Thing is just going to be... hard. Difficult. Gross. Yucky. It's not going to fill good, or easeful, or even a little bit pleasurable. And maybe all the energy we're spending on either tensing ourselves up so we can grit our way through it, or the energy we're spending on trying to figure out every little way to make it feel good, would be better spent on creating a pre-care plan and an after-care plan. Delicious bread flanking a poo sandwich, if you will.
Let's give a few examples.
Travel I find is a big one. Even if you are traveling first-class to the world's most luxurious resort, travel blows. You're surrounded by people, there are stressful time elements, so much of it is out of control. I find a lot of folks I know spend all their energy trying to make the process of travel as relaxing as possible — and I'm not saying to NOT do that. I'm just saying, let's also focus on pre-care, before travel, and after-care, when you get home.
What might that look like? Pre-care might be giving yourself permission to get to the airport three hours early, because that's just the kind of freak you are (I am that kind of freak), mapping out the best restaurant choice in your terminal, purchasing a new romance novel to read, having packed everything two days in advance, and knowing exactly what your most comfortable outfit is you can wear on the plane. Post-care might be taking an entire day off of work (if that is available to you) after travel, because frankly, that is always what I need to recover after any sort of travel. I can't just jump back into my schedule. I need an entire day to decompress, unpack, do laundry, set myself up for whatever's next. Even after vacation travel! Because I'm being honest with my needs, not how I should be.
With the travel example, I think most people are focused on trying to make travel as controlled and efficient as possible, so they are doing everything really fast and maximized. With the pre and after-care plans, I'm suggesting you give yourself as much TIME as possible.
In another, more serious example, I have a client (many clients actually) who has a narcissistic mother. She needs to see her mother about 1-2x a month for reasons that work for her, and she was used to just gritting her teeth and getting through it, then being supremely triggered for days after the visit. She thought she had to just muscle through. But we discussed the concept of pre and after-care around these visits. She now has a pre-care plan of energetic and nervous system care, and an after-care plan of rest and relaxation — taking a bath or shower to wipe off her mom's energy, turning off her phone, watching a beloved, soothing movie.
In these two cases, of course there ARE things we can do to make travel or the parent situation better. But the truth is, we don't really have control in how those Hard Things will go, even if we try our best. And too often I find we're neglecting the possibility of these pre and post care plans, where we actually have true agency in what we can do to make ourselves feel better or nourished.
Vibing with the idea of a pre and after-care plan? Here are some questions/journal prompts to help you work through what they could look like for you:
What is the current situation that's stressing me out or that I'm dreading?
What are 3-5 extremely specific things that stress me out about it?
What 3-5 fears does it bring up in me?
What emotion or feeling do these things bring up?
What emotion would I rather be feeling?
What are 1-2 things I could do before the event to give myself my desired emotion, and reduce the hard or stressful emotions?
After the hard event, how might I be feeling? How would I rather feel?
What are 1-2 things I could do for myself after the event to decompress or meet my needs?
And voila, there you have it: an easy pre and after-care plan for the Hard Thing.
Yes, we CAN do Hard Things. But we don't have to do them without a plan, or tender and gentle care for ourselves before and after. Implement the simple pre- and after-care plans, and realize how much goodness you deserve and can do for yourself, even when faced with challenges.
You got this.