The problem of being "a good person"

Happy Sunday, Soothers. Here's a thought to try on: Wanting to be thought of as virtuous or responsible is good girl conditioning in disguise, and it can severely limit you and your life. 

I talk a lot about how wanting to be perceived as "good," virtuous, or well-intentioned is actually one of the most dangerous ways of being that sensitive people can subscribe to. 

In our efforts to remain safe and unjudged, we orient ourselves in a manner to make sure we're doing everything "right."

It can appear on the surface that this is a decent way to live a life and be in the world. Who doesn't want to be a good person? Who doesn't want to try to work hard, recycle, be kind, save money, donate, follow the rules, walk the straight and narrow, and live righteously?

But too often, this unconscious or subtle moral code of wanting to be good and be perceived as virtuous is actually one of the most limiting, stifling, and menacing ways of being we can live a life.

Sensitive folks can orient their entire lives towards not being called "irresponsible." They then also often wield the word "irresponsible" as a judgment towards others, a way they tuck themselves in at night to remind themselves they are safe and protected.

They can sometimes also use "irresponsible" as a reason not to go after the things they want. It wouldn't be "responsible" to...leave that job. Spend that money. Travel for a year. Do the deepest desire on your heart.

Good girl conditioning (which affects people of all genders) is so pervasive in ways I'm really only starting to recognize in myself. 

I've held on for decades to guilt as a personality trait, a performative characteristic to signal all the ways in which I knew I was being "naughty," or not doing the "right" thing.

But it turns out, guilt is the shadow side of what I call "performative responsibility": following the good rules, the right rules, the virtuous rules, so I can have others think I am "good" and so I myself can think of myself as "a good person."

Let's try this on: being "good" —good to your heart, to your soul, to your inner child — is all about defining your OWN code of truth and responsibility.

I'll leave you with this thought:

The well-lived, intentional life focuses far less on being responsible or good and more on being *true*.

Let's reclaim your wild, irresponsible self. Therein lies that truth, as well as your joy and your humanity.

Here are some journal prompts to help you explore this topic this week: 

• What is your definition of virtuous? 

• What is your definition of responsible? 

• If you're a parent, what does being a responsible parent mean to you? 

• If you're in partnership, what does it look like to be responsible in that container? 

• What does it look like to be a responsible citizen?

• Who taught you the meaning of good or responsible? Has it served you or not?

• What does it mean to be a responsible employer, or employee? What does it mean to be responsible with money? (Hint, a responsibility could be spending lots of money on joy; responsibility is not about saving all the time)

• What are three things you want to be responsible for in your life? 

• What are three things you want to stop being responsible for? 

• Where are you judging others for "not being responsible" and how could that be a judgment of yourself, or a self-limitation? 

• Where could you be MORE irresponsible in your life in a way that could bring you joy or serve you?