What if nothing ever changed?

You can listen to this essay as audio here

Happy Sunday, Soothers. I'm writing this the day before Joe Biden's inauguration, and lort willing, things have gone as smooth as possible. I know in a way that has truly never registered before that this transfer of power won't mean that everything is okay, that the work is done, that oppressive systems and racism will somehow just disappear and melt into the background... but I must also admit I feel a GIANT MOTHERFLIPPING SENSE OF JOY and HAPPINESS AND... what is this feeling... is it... hope? Is that cracking feeling around my jaw a... smile? Does my body want to... dance?!

Yes, to all of those. I feel joy. I feel lighter. I pray people will get vaccines more quickly now, that mask-wearing will be more enforced, that economic relief for those who need it will be fast on its way, that we'll start actual policies and legislation to take care of the environment, increase economic equality, remove conspiracy theories and white supremacy, focus on community-based care and action and just, once again, revel in the potential and possibility of all the ways in which we can actually help each other, as I truly believe that humans were designed to do.

I can't tell you how often I've dreamed of this week in the past four years, not specifically Biden, you know, but whoever — the day when the monster was out of the office and things would begin to shift. Some thoughts about that far-off day in the future that have ping-ponged around my head in the past four years...

"When that day comes, I won't need to meditate as often."

"When Donald Trump is out of office, then I can actually focus on this creative project."

"When this is all over, I won't need so much wine/beer/coffee/social media/insert your numbing substance of choice to just get through the day."

"When the pandemic ends, then I won't doomscroll as much, in fact, I'll quit Twitter entirely."

"When we get him out of office, then I can think about getting a new job."

When X, then Y. When X, then Y. When X, then Y... repeated ad nauseum.

As I was thinking about all the time in the last year, and the last four years, in which I've spent dreaming about the arrival of the next right future that would absolutely change everything for me, I was struck by a potential thought exercise:

What if nothing ever changed?

Stick with me, because it sounds a little nihilistic, but I swear, I mean it to be life-affirming.

What if literally nothing in your life ever changed from this exact moment as you sit reading this newsletter?

What if you always had this job?

What if you always had this body at its exact shape and weight?

What if you always had this relationship, that relationship, or this lack of that relationship?

What if you always had the home that you had right now?

What if you always made this exact amount of money?

What if you always had your habits, your ways of being that you self-recriminate for?

What if everything was always imperfect and nothing ever changed?

How would you then find happiness?

(I feel like I would like to say here, I do not apply this thought exercise of "what if nothing changes, try to be happy then?!?!?" to stuff like abuse or racism, economic inequality, and other oppressive and dangerous and cruel systems or situations; those things must change and we actually MUST imagine a world where they will and can.)

We make so much of our happiness conditional, meaning that we make our emotions dependent on a future outcome that we are chasing.

An approach like that makes us feel life is going too fast, I think, as a blur. At least that's been my experience.

With my eyes always on a future outcome I was chasing, with my assumptions that I wouldn't feel good until I got there, I began to feel like a pinball: fast but hollow, good at zipping from one point to another, but being banged about by circumstances that were actually outside of myself, missing the details of everything that was happening around me.

As a recovering perfectionist and high-achiever who's been known to be quite hard on herself, I've been working a lot with this question lately in my own life: What if nothing ever changed?

What if my business never grew? What if I never made any more impact than I'm making right now? What if I never moved, or was able to travel again? What if I never lost the weight? What if I never got better at writing or meditating? What if this person in my life was always exactly like they are, and my relationship with them was always exactly like it is?

What if everything in my life was always exactly as it was right at this moment?

And how could I be present for the unfolding joy of what is, instead of how I think it should or could be?

I invite you to ask this question of yourself and where you are in life. Are you chasing something at the risk of missing what is?

What if nothing ever changed?

Whether it's finally being able to rest in what is, or better understanding what would nourish your soul and how you can begin to go for it, I hope this question inspires you to reflect, either to learn to be with what is already here for you, or inspire you to stop waiting for the circumstances to change before you do the thing. You know, that thing. You know the one I mean.

Because what if nothing ever changed?

And what if fully stepping into that question actually allowed you everything you needed?