Why changing your actions doesn't work
Happy Sunday, Soothers. Today I wanted to talk about why focusing on your actions and trying to do things differently rarely works, and what I'll offer to you to try instead.
But first, a couple of things: Today (Sunday, April 3) is the last day my earlybird waitlist for my Intentional Dating course is open. By signing up for the waitlist before it closes, you'll get chances for $100 off the course, a bonus call with me, and be the first to get into the course and get the pre-work). https://forms.gle/ZvHpmAG94PzVkdqE9 Otherwise, the course will be open for enrollment mid-April. It will close the last day of April and the course begins in May.
If you want a bit more information before signing up for the course, register to attend my free 3-day event, How to trust your intuition in dating: Overcoming anxiety in your patterns, understanding your worth, and going from overwhelmed to intentional in dating. It's April 13-15, replays provided, register for free here. https://mailchi.mp/67918a107d5d/dating-intuition
On to the essay!
Let's talk about change. Many of us desire it in some area of our life, but can't seem to achieve it. I want to propose today it's because we overfocus on our actions. We want change, we try to DO something different.
This sometimes can work, but rarely as often as we expect it to. And I'd like to share why: we're over focusing on trying to manage and change our actions, instead of the more potent action of managing and changing 1. Our thoughts and mindset and 2. our nervous system's automatic defense and threat reactions, which can often override our intentional desired actions for change.
So what I'm talking about today is stopping focusing so much on action management and instead moving to a model and approach more of thought and energy management.
By focusing on actions in trying to achieve change, it's like trimming the leaves and branches of a tree and doing only that and wondering why the tree doesn't continue to thrive. What you really need to be doing for the tree is focusing on the roots and soil (nervous system) as well as the health of the trunk overall (mindset and thoughts). It's also totally exhausting to try to be continuing to effect change out of actions. When you learn thought and nervous system management, it reduces overwhelm simply by being a simpler process that takes less physical effort.
To take a simple example, let's take the all-too-common reality of an overwhelmed person at work. They're trying to become less overwhelmed through the actions of checking email less, reading books about better boundaries, and job searching for jobs they think might be less overwhelming.
It's not to say that some of those actions can't be helpful in change or helping the person learn more about how to navigate the situation. And, of course, we can't ignore the reality that the common 9-5 based on and created out of the tenets of capitalism, white supremacy and the patriarchy IS overwhelming, by design, to cross boundaries, cause burnout, cause over sacrifice.
But if this person tries to change their situation by actions alone, they'll take their unconscious, unintentional thoughts and their dysregulated nervous system with them each day forward, and even into a new job, where the same issues that plagued them at a previous job are likely to begin to pop up again.
This happens in dating, too. This was my story, over and over again. I would get incredibly anxious in relationships and just assume it was the dude I was dating. So I changed my actions over and over again. Trying to date more. Trying to date less. Trying different dating apps. Trying to be different in the relationship. Trying to demand the guy be different in the relationship. Dating different dudes, over and over again. Surely, I figured, if I was changing the actions enough, eventually I HAD to land on the action that would get me the result that I wanted (a secure, loving long-term relationship).
But no, dear reader. It does not work this way. Whether it's a job, a habit, dating, you can often try all the actions that your clever brain can think of and you can keep getting the same results.
It wasn't until I personally focused on mindset and nervous system regulation (root, soil, trunk) I began getting desired results.
This is kind of a long essay with lots of examples, so click on over here to read the rest of it!
I realized, through beginning to do self-discovery and mindset work, that in dating I had the unconscious thought of, "I will always be abandoned." I also began to observe and notice my nervous system reactions while dating (highly anxious, always in fight/flight, very dysregulated) and what triggered that reaction, and then began doing things to self-regulate my nervous system.
For the workplace example, for the overwhelmed person, they may be, as I often see in my clients, running on an unintentional thought, "I am going to get in trouble if I don't do my work perfectly," and a nervous system that is often in fight/flight as well.
In my dating example, I began going heavy on the mindset work to begin to believe a new thought, "I am worthy of a long-term, secure relationship." In moments of triggered nervous system dysregulation, I did not act; I learned to self-soothe, to ground and re-regulate my nervous system, and then to make choices from a more grounded place, instead of an activated one.
I learned to do mindset and nervous system work on a model called the Self-Coaching Model taught by the Life Coach School. Here's an example of how I've adapted it to use in my own coaching in my dating analogy.
First, you write down a circumstance. It has to be a fact or piece of data or neutral topic or an action somebody took in the past, described neutrally. No adjectives.
Circumstance: Guy I'm dating did not respond to my text for 12 hours
Then, you write what nervous system state this put you into (I teach nervous system states in my courses):
Nervous system state: Flight (panicky, anxious, shallow breathing, racing thoughts)
Then you write down a thought you are having about this situation; basically your brain's interpretation of it, the opinion, not the fact:
Thought: He is losing interest. He is going to break up with me.
Then you tap into the feeling and sensation that this thought in your brain is causing in your body.
Sensation: Tightness in chest, sinking in stomach
Feeling: Panic
Then, you write down your actions or inactions that stem from this feeling in your body.
Action: Text him six times trying to get his attention and demand where he is; drink too many glasses of wine to try to calm down
Finally, you write the result your actions are getting you, or might get you:
Result: Guy I'm dating withdraws further because of the sense of overwhelm from me; I am hungover and resentful
Putting it all together:
Circumstance: Guy I'm dating did not respond to my text for 12 hours
Nervous system state: Flight (panicky, anxious, shallow breathing, racing thoughts)
Thought: He is losing interest. He is going to break up with me.
Sensation: Tightness in chest, sinking in stomach
Feeling: Panic
Action: Text him six times trying to get his attention and demand where he is; drink too many glasses of wine to try to calm down
Result: Guy I'm dating withdraws further because of the sense of overwhelm from me; I am hungover and resentful
Let's try the model out with a workplace example:
Circumstance: Boss said "I think we can make some improvements on your powerpoint"
Nervous system state: Fight (defensive, want to argue or shut them down)
Thought: I'm never good enough, why can't they see how much work I put into this? This is unfair
Sensation: Clenching in throat and jaw
Feeling: Anger
Action: Shut down in front of boss, or have sullen, passive-aggressive responses to them; in order to try to feel better, stay 3 hours late at work trying to fix the powerpoint
Result: I'm exhausted and my relationship with my boss has suffered
Even from just these two simple examples you can see why trying to choose from the actions is not working to get the desired change in either scenario.
Where we begin to interrupt our own unconscious and automatic patterns and begin to make desired change is instead in learning to manage your thoughts and manage and self-soothe your nervous system.
What does this look like in reality? Let's use the dating model example and how I began to shift.
Circumstance: Guy I am dating is not texting me back immediately
Nervous system: I began to notice I am going into flight and panic around this fact. I do some of my favorite techniques to ground my nervous system
Thought: I choose the new thought, Sometimes it just takes people longer to text back and that doesn't mean anything about his feelings for me.
Sensation: Relaxing in chest
Feeling: A bit anxious still, but calmer
Action: Go do something that feels good for me to help clear my head
Result: I feel better, guy doesn't get a dozen panicky texts from me, I'm learning to take care of myself
Now the workplace example:
Circumstance: Boss said "I think we can make some improvements on your powerpoint"
Nervous system: I notice I am going into fight. I take a few deep breaths and if needed excuse myself to the bathroom to do some regulation techniques
Thought: Feedback helps me grow, I am learning to try to be curious about others' perceptions of my work, my boss wants me to succeed
Sensation: Dropping of shoulders, opening of heart
Feeling: Still a bit defensive, but more open minded
Action: Listen to feedback, implement parts that I agree with, explain other choices I am making and those reasons to boss in a calm manner
Result: Project improves, relationship with boss doesn't deteriorate
Thought management and nervous system management are two huge pillars of what I teach in my Intentional Dating course (and all of my work, really, whether it's courses or 1:1 coaching). If you're ready to learn more about how to do this for yourself, sign up for the waitlist for my dating course here and read more about the course here overall.
Here's to taking care of your roots, your soil, your trunk. You deserve to learn to do this for yourself to get the results you want to see for yourself and your life in this world.