Why I deleted all self-help podcasts

Happy Sunday, Soothers. Here's a short but perhaps radical thought for your week ahead:

What if you entirely stopped listening to self-help podcasts, reading self-help material, or overall, thinking that anything about you needed more fixing, and that you needed to spend your precious time and resources consuming content about how to improve yourself?

Late last year, I couldn't any longer ignore an urge I was having, which was to delete and unsubscribe from about 75% of the podcasts I listened to. Me being in the field I'm in, I naturally listen to a lot of self-help, spirituality, wellness and health podcasts, so this felt like a deeply counterintuitive instinct.

"Am I just being lazy?" I thought. "I should probably continue to force myself to listen to these. They're good for me, after all, and I learn so much!"

But... are they? 

Do I?

Something deeper in me was tugging on my sleeve, asking these questions.

And so I tuned in to how I felt after listening to many of these podcasts (the bulk of which are wonderful, well-researched, created by amazing people, and very well-intentioned, wanting to help as many people as possible).

And I realized that much of the time, I did NOT feel good after listening to these podcasts.

I felt stressed. "Great. Another thing I hadn't realized about myself that's less than optimal."

I felt overwhelmed. "Oh, god, should I be adding morning sunlight to my routine as well, and making sure I get that every day?!? When am I going to find time for that? THANKS MOTHERFUCKING ANDREW HUBERMAN!" 

I felt perfectionistic. "Well, if the host is doing 20 minutes of meditation and journaling every day and feeling really good, I should probably do at LEAST that, maybe more?!"

I felt obligatory and ashamed and fearful. "Man, I STILL haven't listened to those three podcasts and I KNOW they're going to have great info. If I don't listen to them soon, I'm going to miss out on what they're advising, and what if they have a piece of info I really need to feel better?? Ugh, why can't I get it together to just find the time to listen to them."

I felt scarce. "Oh man, this podcast is 2.5 hours long [btw, wtf is up with that? that is not okay. Stop making your podcasts so goddamn long], I have to plan time into my week to make sure I listen to it!"

Wellness podcasts and content were making me feel... unwell.

It's not because those podcasts don't have great information and ideas, they really often do. It's just that, I had shifted my life and my consumption habits into a hamster wheel of obligation, scarcity, fear, perfectionism.

I had turned over my precious free time and the part of my brain that enjoys reading and consuming information, yet again to...

CAPITALISM!

And its encouraged endless march of constant self-improvement, productivity, efficiency.

The pursuit to turn myself into the perfect, robotic human, if only I could continue my errant knight's quest, to hunt and search for the gems of wisdom dropped amongst the oh, 20-30 hours of optimized habit and health listening I forced myself to do every week out of some delusion that the perfect answer to my perfect problem was out there. 

When I really connected how much more stressed wellness and health podcasts were making me, I genuinely thought about deleting my podcast app all together.

But there are a few podcasts I love. My feng shui podcasts, which I still learn so much from. A few magic and spiritual podcasts that inspire me, or share relevant stories. Podcasts that feel more like interesting subject lectures from a beloved college professor, that open me up to the wonder of the world beyond me.

However, about 75% of the podcasts did not meet those criteria.

They were stressing me TF out.

And so reader, I deleted them.

And I took back my listening time.

I now often walk simply in silence, listening to bird song or nature sounds.

Sometimes I listen to affirmations or hypnosis tracks, not out of a frantic energy to fix/heal myself (I also need to come up with a clever word that describes the conflation of fixing and healing that the wellness industry has convinced us we all need to do... flealing?!?!), but out of an energy of lovingly nourishing myself and my subconscious to bring more joy, worth, abundance into my life. 

I regularly use the time of my walks to talk out loud to myself and my spirit guides, looking to the observer for all the world like I'm having an animated phone conversation into my airpods (but nope, I'm talking to invisible people. It's really fun, actually. You should try it).

When driving, I often now listen to... wait for it.... MUSIC! 

I stopped (or, am trying, is probably more accurate) viewing myself as a project to be fixed by external forces.

And am resting into the thought that I deserve joy, I am joy, I deserve love, I am love.

And absolutely nothing about me needs more improving, more efficiency, more fixing/healing. 

The only things I need now in my life are more pleasure and joy. More community, more feeling seen and supported. More relief, more relaxation, more exhales, more softness. 

And so may what I decide to use my precious free time reflect those choices.

And so may yours.