9 steps to stop being the good girl
Happy Sunday, Soothers. If you grew up socialized as a woman, and you identify as a sensitive person, it's likely that you suffer from what could be referred to as good girl conditioning. "Good girl" is a phrase tossed around a lot, and what it could mean to each person who uses it could be totally different, so I'll just state what good girl conditioning, at least in part, means to me:
It means focusing on being polite, virtuous, palatable, pretty, youthful, respectful and respectable (and the patriarchy's definitions of those words and phrases, not your own)... at the cost of your soul, your core desires, and your authenticity.
You can begin to know if you struggle with good girl conditioning if you constantly feel resentment; to me, that is the number one tell-tale sign. Resentment is a signal that your needs and desires are being trampled on, but you feel you can't or don't deserve to articulate your needs. If you need it explained a bit more clearly, and I include this because I felt deep resentment for decades but didn't understand that's what I was experiencing: resentment shows up as ruminating a lot about other people and their behaviors or how they get to do something that you don't get to do and "must be nice for them." You may experience feeling like a victim or a martyr to circumstances or other people's choices, then resent them deeply. You may also be stewing in anger about how they should know more about what you want (expecting them to read your mind — probably because you're so good at anticipating their needs).
Judgment of other women who seem "unruly" or "too much" is another sign, as is general judgment of other women. If you find yourself constantly surveying other women and thinking a lot of "shoulds" about how they should operate, it may be because you're operating from a good girl judgment system.
You may also be intensely concerned with how people perceive you, what they might think of you, and feel unsafe unless you can find ways of confirming that everybody around you is okay and approving of who and how you are.
You suppress and judge your own emotions, especially the "negative" ones — anger, grief, raw desire. Trust me, if you are a good girl, you are actually very angry. And you have every right to be so.
Finally, intense self-criticism and shame about yourself — which is often, strangely, not conscious to ourselves — is another sign of this good girl conditioning. You always think you should be smaller, smarter, more something of this, less something of that, look magically more youthful year after year, earning more money, getting more promotions faster, being different. You tend to only feel good about yourself when you look a certain way or achieve a certain external status.
The important thing to name that 1. this isn't your fault, it's a result of, spoiler alert, the patriarchy, as well as your upbringing and likely some relational and emotional trauma, even when your caregivers were doing their best 2. our current patriarchal society encourages and rewards good girl behavior (because it is the very society that created the standards which the good girl is trying to adhere to for safety and approval), and we have to name that it is threatening to start stepping outside of it because it does come with ramifications and consequences, especially for marginalized communities and identities.
So where and how do you start to make shifts?
Here are nine starter steps.
First, just even name you're a good girl. Last week you threw out a half empty nearly expired bottle of ketchup and you flagellated yourself into the ground for not thinking of a way to use those final tomatoe-y drops. You also stay late at the office and work longer than everybody else, all the time. At first this was a badge of pride but now it's sucking your soul but you don't know how to stop. You are the good girl. It is benefiting everybody around you and killing you inside slowly. It is time to make a plan. Let's go.
Keep a resentment and judgment log for two weeks, without judgment of yourself for these feelings and noticings. This is a science experiment. Your resentment and judgments of others are merely data. it tells you everything you need to know about the things you are doing that you need to stop, and everywhere where you are unconsciously shaming yourself.
While keeping the resentment log, do morning pages journaling (from the Artist's Way) and take a values quiz (I like this one). Authentic self knowledge is critical for the recovering good girl. You have abandoned yourself for decades for the wants and needs of others and probably you have no idea what you want or need. Start knowing. Let it take time. It's okay. You are rebuilding a relationship with yourself.
Create a tentative boundaries list and practice one of them once a week. A boundary can be as small as RSVPing no to a social event (without lying about why — just saying, "Thanks for the invite, but I don't have space for this this week. Catch you next time.") A boundary can be closing your laptop at 5pm and not checking email the rest of the night. A boundary can be taking an hour lunch in the middle of the day, because technically your company handbook says that's cool, even if literally nobody else does it and it's against the culture, but you simply need and want to step away. A boundary can be naming a need; the other person may not be able to or may choose not to meet your need, and that is THEIR boundary, but you get to say your needs out loud and ask for them.
Watch as friendships and family relationships fall away or shift, and other chaos ensues, and understand that this is a sign that your work is working (even though this process is painful). In a codependent relationship, when one is the overgiver (the good girl), there are many benefitters who will rise up in displeasure when you stop all the overgiving. Accordingly, when you start to set boundaries and stick to them, the universe will go, oh! she's ready! and send chaos or some disruptions your way to bring you to your next spot. Jobs or relationships or other things may fall away, but you watch it as a little girl observing butterflies in a field. It is all part of the plan.
Dare to state a dream aloud. One that's true for yourself, one that is from the true woman soul, not the good girl ego. Bonus work: This dream cannot help or benefit any other people. Just you.
Meet that dream halfway. Bonus, if it's a dream that benefits ONLY you, and you actually make plans to do it, you are next level good-girl deconditioning, so well done.
Claw your self worth from the sky over and over again.
Rinse and repeat for as long as it takes.
If you are ready to move from the good girl into the true woman, my mastermind for highly sensitive, Soothe, might be for you. The waitlist closes tomorrow, so make sure you're on it. By signing up for the waitlist, you'll simply get some email marketing from me that tells you more about Soothe and invites you to schedule a discovery call with me, and you'll get a discount off the enrollment. Soothe doesn't start til January, so you've got lots of time to make your decision. Questions about Soothe? Reply to this email and I'll get back to you ASAP.