Guilt, boundaries and me.
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Some boundaries I'm setting lately and how I'm dealing with the guilt
Happy Sunday, Soothers. If you're like me, a thoughtful, empathetic, perfectionist and people-pleasing do-gooder tryna live her life out in the world, you have probably struggled to set boundaries. Setting boundaries has been a huge challenge for me throughout my life, mostly driven by feelings of guilt and fear for not helping a person as much as I could (which then led my brain to think, "You're a bad person!" and then to an identity crisis of not being "a good person" and total terror around that... btw, I've found it valuable to try to work towards being a person who is true to herself, rather than a "good person.")
But something's shifting for me lately. I don't know if it's the YEARS AND YEARS of therapy and self-development work finally compounding, the "villain era" memes going around that make me laugh, the fact that I am in my 40s and finally feeling good and solid about this or what, but I am finally getting... I won't say GOOD, at setting boundaries, but guess what? I AM SETTING BOUNDARIES! And it feels great.
Here's the thing: I didn't realize I was bad at setting boundaries for a long time. Because boundaries are murky concept and hard to define, I didn't even really realize I didn't have them at all. I just thought I was a good person who liked to help and was tired a lot!
So I wanted to share some real-life boundaries that me and my clients or students are all setting lately, so you have an understanding of what boundaries in action might look like and if it's something you might need to practice more of.
Then, after sharing these examples, I'll give you my tips on how I deal with the guilt that inevitably arises after setting boundaries if you're newer to them.
Examples of boundaries popping up in mine and others' lives (all anonymized):
When a person I don't really know or have a regular relationship with reaches out on email or in the DMs, wanting to hang out or has an ask of me and I do not have the time or desire, I have started simply... not responding at all. This feels like next-level boundary setting (and next level guilty and selfish, which I am practicing sitting with). Beforehand, I was at the stage where I could say no, but I would have a lot of excuses and wordiness about it. Now, it's just, delete.
I've stopped giving away discounts for my courses when students ask if they can be extended. I also used to do this a lot and it would cause me inevitable admin and logistical headaches.
A client had a person in their life coming into town but could only meet at 9pm. They had an early trip the next day so said no. The next thing they knew, this person was telling them they were gonna come over to their home at 7pm to hang. They had to say no repeatedly to this person despite serious pushback.
I have somebody in my life who has a lot of anxiety and really has been relying on me a lot to help them process. I have recently stopped allowing this as much, by not responding to messages when I am not able or simply do not feel like it.
My boyfriend wanted to do something recently and I agreed, but last minute changed my mind and decided not to. He was annoyed and I still stayed with my desire. (Boundary setting within romantic relationships is 100% next level for me as this was one of the areas where I would formerly frequently abandon myself completely).
Somebody I know would often have unprotected sex with casual partners. They've started using protection regularly. This is an important boundary to talk about - sexual boundaries. Abandoning yourself to not take care of your body and your desires is a crossing of a boundary, and so stuff like using condoms or asking for STI tests from partners is an important boundary.
I had a past client ask if they could access some of my course material even though we were no longer in a contractual coaching relationship, and I said no.
Some of you may be like, "Catherine, these are normal people things to do..." but as a recovering codependent and people-pleaser, I can tell you that setting boundaries as common or "normal" as the ones above can feel like a death each time. In particular, the sense of guilt and selfishness and being a bad person can feel really strong.
That's the inevitable cost of boundaries: either you will feel shame and guilt (at least at first), or somebody else who has been benefitting from your lack of boundaries will try to make you feel shame and guilt. And those are potent weapons.
So as I increase my tolerance for setting boundaries, I work a lot on allowing the experience of guilt and shame in my body and learning to discharge it. I also strengthen my identity as somebody who values herself, knows her own truth, and has her own back.
I want to encourage you to turn to somatic experiences to help you with boundaries, because the sensations of guilt, shame, fear and overwhelm are felt so much in our bodies and we will often cross our boundaries or abandon ourselves simply so we do not have to feel those emotions in our bodies.
If you can increase the tolerance for those emotions in your body you will naturally strengthen your ability to have boundaries.
Things that have helped me increase my tolerance for guilt:
Regular nervous system work (daily breathing and somatic practices)
Regular grounding practices (connecting with nature, taking salt baths, protecting and clearing my energy)
EFT tapping
Dancing and shaking and imagining the guilt leaving my body as I do those practices
Holding ice cubes in each hand to sit with the guilt and shame without diving straight into self-abandonment or crossing my own boundary
Having a mantra to say to myself when the guilt and shame arises: "Having desires and needs and enforcing them is a human right. I am not a bad person, I am a human being."
Asking myself, "Would I make a child feel guilty for this?" and realizing I wouldn't and so reminding myself that I deserve what a child deserves, too
Picking a role model and asking if they would feel guilty for doing what I did in my situation and writing down 10 reasons why not
Journaling regularly to my inner child with concrete plans of how I will keep her safe should others shame or guilt her for holding to her boundary
Practicing being misunderstood; not trying to explain or over-explain why I'm making a choice or not making a choice, not trying to convince the other person or people in the situation of why I did it and why I had very! good! reasons! Sitting with this, allowing myself to be misunderstood, thought of as a "villain" or even just as "selfish" or "entitled," has been a really hard but potent practice for me.
Boundaries and guilt are difficult to reckon with, but they are worth it. For any of you astrology buffs, my south node is in Pisces and my north node is in Virgo, which basically means my biggest lesson in life is to learn how to embody routines, being grounded, and boundaries. And it's my hardest lesson to learn, because I have dozens of past lifetimes where I had no boundaries, where I felt othered than, where I gave endlessly of myself to others, where I engaged in deep people-pleasing in a hope of gaining love.
And even so: I'm doing it. Little by little, even if I'm nowhere near a master at it though I'm in my 40s, I'm doing it.
And you can, too.