Is it self-reliance or self-isolation?

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Do you struggle with “burden mentality"?

Happy Sunday, Soothers. As I've been enrolling the Soothe mastermind, and going more deeply into coaching with some 1:1 clients, I'm seeing a pendulum swing too far in one direction in an attempt to try to "be strong" that I think is worth talking about today.

As sensitive women, many of my clients struggle with worrying they're needy; that they're "too much"; with codependency and overreliance on others' emotional states to feel safe. They've likely been shamed in the past for their big emotions or raw tenderness, especially as children, and somewhere along the way picked up the messaging that their needs were a burden, that their emotions were too heavy on others, that they should be able to just "toughen up" and "handle things better."

While all this is happening in their young lives, crystalizing into something hard and painful that is then tucked away in their hearts, for those of us in America, meanwhile, we're also being brought up in a culture that praises self-reliance and independence as righteous and proper. We're being brought up in a culture that criticizes vulnerability and interconnectedness and relying on other people as weak and needy and pathetic.

It's a dangerous cocktail that, as far as I can see, has significantly contributed to our problems of loneliness, isolation, shame, and division.

Cultivating self-reliance is an important skill, yes. I have written before about learned helplessness and learned hopelessness, and I truly believe that humans are eminently more capable and powerful than we've been led to believe. So it is important to cultivate our capabilities and our abilities to create and go after our dreams and goals.

But since my clients have been shamed both by their upbringings and society for appearing "needy" or as an emotional burden on others, they have often swung the pendulum too far in the other direction, I think. They have protected themselves and their tender hearts by becoming extremely self-reliant. Overly self-reliant, I might say. Isolating themselves and their needs. Hiding away any fears or sadness or heaviness or asks of others. Terrified of being perceived as weak or needy or imperfect or helpless. Terrified of being a burden.

Burden mentality, as I refer to it, is a real response to trauma and emotional wounding that convinces us that it’s not safe to reach out for help vulnerably, to display that we have actual needs.

I used to have burden mentality so bad that in the years in D.C. when I didn’t have a car, I would literally take the metro out to the airport, rent a car for a day, and drop it off at the airport and come all the way back instead of just asking any of my lovely friends or family for a ride or transportation.

Take it from one who’s been there:

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Healing happens when you reveal your vulnerabilities.

Healing happens in community.

Healing happens when you admit you need support.

Healing happens when you no longer have to do it all by yourself.

There is no virtue in doing the thing alone.

There is no virtue in healing in quiet isolation.

There is no virtue in being so tough and capable you never ask anybody else for help.

So if any of this resonates with you, look at your life:

Are you self-reliant, or are you self-isolating?

The balance is a fine one, but you may be erring on the side of self-isolation if you feel lonely. Terrified to tell others about that loneliness. When you realize you could use some help in a situation, but brush off the idea of asking others for help because you "don't want to bother them." When you apologize to somebody after they help you, feeling ashamed they took the time or went out of their way.

It doesn't have to be this way.

I'm enrolling the final spots in my mastermind, Soothe, this week and closing enrollment one week from today. Soothe is a year-long community and group coaching experience for sensitive women ready to live authentically and unapologetically. If you’re ready to be in community, to dip your toe in the waters of vulnerability, to have gentle accountability, to try life differently, Soothe (and I!) are ready for you. You can book a call with me about it here.

And put down your heavy burden. I, for one, wouldn't think you were weak. I would consider it an honor to help you carry the load as we continue down our paths, together.