Making Joyful Decisions
Happy Sunday, Soothers. I do a lot of what's called "parts work" in my coaching. Parts work is a therapeutic lens that assumes that each of us has many different parts to our minds and psyches. As Annie Wright, an excellent writer and therapist working to heal relational trauma, further explains, "Each of these parts (or subpersonalities) has unique needs, wants, and beliefs and may be conscious or unconsciously playing out helping or harming us as we move through our days encountering different situations, triggers, and scenarios."
Basically the movie Inside Out is real and playing out in each of us real-time, is the short explanation.
I'll never forget one session I did using parts work with a client who was struggling to make decisions. We tuned in and she accessed a part that, as she explained it, was obsessed with efficiency and making the "best" decision.
Since this part was obsessed with only allowing her to make the "best" decisions, but the reality is that any number of decisions can be the "best" one, depending on your criteria, this part would freeze up like a little robot that's gone on the fritz and short-circuited, paralyzing her and keeping her totally stuck and not making any decision.
With a lot of credit to her cleverness, she named this part the "Robot Maximizer" — a part that can only make decisions and move forward if it's convinced what it has chosen is peerless, flawless, the best, the most efficient. It has to maximize the opportunity for EVERYTHING.
Of course, the result of a robot that needs to maximize everything is that so very few things in a life can be maximized to the Nth degree, and as a result, you may end up in the "stuck" feeling state, making decisions on absolutely nothing, and not moving forward in the way you desire.
The other thing with the Robot Maximizer, is not only does this part often keep you stuck in decision-making, it removes all the JOY from decision-making. Its priorities are so... boring and dreary. Heavy and rigid. Fear-based and righteous. Responsible. Ugh, the dreary responsible.
The reality is also that the Robot Maximizer is often defining "best" decisions through the lens of capitalism. Logic. Efficiency. Money (spending less is always better, earning more is always best). "Practicality" — whatever that means, who gets to be the ultimate "what is practical" arbiter, anyways? Time — the quicker is the better.
So without even realizing it, we've absorbed the lessons of capitalism and the patriarchy into our own decision-making process, which then often freezes us, keeps us stuck, and to boot, takes out all of the joy in the process.
I don't know about you, but I definitely have a Robot Maximizer part. Maybe, uh, 12 of them. And I've done a lot of work on healing this part. And it turns out that joy is the best medicine for this kind of stuck, fearful approach to decision-making.
So today what I'd like to propose is, in opposition to the Robot Maximizer part, is to invite a Joyful Glitter Confetti Machine Decision Maker part into your life
Here's how this is going to work:
Thank the Robot Maximizer. They've really tried to keep you as safe as possible for your whole life by making the "right" and "best" decisions. Now, picture this part getting a drink, alcoholic or non, of their choice (I personally feel like they could use a really stiff martini), then going off to a pool and relaxing in a lounge chair. They get to have a break now.
Using your imagination, picture a part now coming forward that fits the vibe of the Joyful Glitter Confetti Machine Decision Maker. Maybe they're wearing a tropical caftan and carrying a glitter gun. Maybe they're carrying an extravagant ice cream cake around that's nearly toppling over and dripping icing everywhere. Maybe they have fairy wings. Maybe their companion is a sweet, rambunctious puppy. Maybe they are constantly punctuating their sentences with, "Dahling!" Or maybe they have a wiser, older energy — I feel like Iris Apfel would be a good model for this.
Write down what you think the values of the Robot Maximizer were. You can use my list above for a starting point (efficiency; cheapest; biggest "ROI"; whatever)
Now write down the values or parameters the Joyful Glitter Confetti Machine Decision Maker has for making decisions. Here are some starting ideas:
"The decision feels good in my body, like a warm glow spreading throughout my chest."
"I buzz with a smile when I made the decision and feel like I want to jump around."
"The decision aligns with my core values as a human being."
"It's the KIND decision; kind to me, most of all."
"It's the decision my 90-year-old self would be most proud of me making."
"It's the decision my 7-year-old self would be most proud of me making."
"It's the 'fuck it, I just want to decision.' Because just wanting to do something is as valid as any other 'practical' reason anybody could think of."
"I literally have no idea so this is my dartboard decision — aka, gonna randomly pick a decision from a list and assume it will work out in the way it's meant to."
"This is the 'chaos' decision; I've spent so much of my life making the 'logical' decisions that I'm just gonna go full tilt wild!"
"This is the decision that will allow me the most rest."
"This is the decision that will result in the outcome that takes the MOST time, because time is a false concept anyways and not real, so let's just play around with it."
"This is my Mystery Decision — the decision that will invite the most mystery into my life."
"This is my IDGAF decision — other people are DEFINITELY going to think I'm unwell if I make this decision, and I'm ready to play in that energy."
Feel free to reply to this with your own!
Other ways to bring back joy into decision-making that I use on a regular basis:
Ask for a random animal sign from the universe within the next 24 hours if you should make a decision in one way. My energy healer Missy recently did this with a giraffe, and lo and behold, when she was walking out into her hotel lobby the next day, what did she see but a giant stuffed giraffe in the lobby.
I ask Tarot for its opinions. Let's say there's a decision in my life; for example's sake, let's say I had been invited to 3 parties on the same night and was trying to figure out which one to go to (lol, I never go to or get invited to parties anymore, which is my ideal life, but you know what I mean). I would ask Tarot, "Show me the energy of each of these parties" and then pick a card to represent each party. Then I'd pick the party that had the Tarot card that seemed most in line with what magic I wanted to feel more of.
Write down all the possible decisions you need to make on a piece of paper. Cut each decision option into a strip of paper. Put them all into a bowl, and pick one. There's your answer.
Frankly, we've all been so deeply conditioned and wounded by the capitalism and the patriarchy in our lives that I think the pendulum needs to swing a bit in the other direction. We need more chaos energy in decision-making. More magic energy in decision-making. More "fuck it, I'm letting the universe call this one" energy in decision-making. More irresponsibility in decision-making (that won't harm others, of course). More pure intuition in decision-making.
And we definitely need more joy in decision-making.
So consider this my playbook, my manifesto to bring back more joyful, chaotic good, playful, magical energy to your decision-making.
Let the Robot Maximizer have a good rest. They're tired. They've done a good job, as good as they could have, but we're going for a different vibe now.
And let's let joy take the mantle and get on going helping us build our precious, wild lives.