The danger of trying to be "responsible"
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Happy Sunday, Soothers. I talk a lot about how wanting to be perceived as "good," virtuous, or well-intentioned is actually one of the most dangerous ways of being that sensitive people can subscribe to. In our efforts to remain safe and unjudged by others, we orient ourselves in a manner to make sure we're doing everything "right."
It can appear on the surface that this is a decent way to live a life and be in the world. Who doesn't want to be a good person? Who doesn't want to try to work hard, recycle, be kind, save money, donate, follow the rules, walk the straight and narrow, and live righteously?
But too often, this unconscious or subtle moral code of wanting to be good and be perceived as virtuous is actually one of the most limiting, stifling, and menacing ways of being we can live a life.
I sometimes refer to this with my clients as the "responsibility shadow." Clients, especially sensitive women, orient their entire lives towards not being called "irresponsible." They then also often wield the word "irresponsible" as a judgment towards others, a way they tuck themselves in at night to remind themselves they are safe and protected.
They also use "irresponsible" as a reason not to go after the things they want.
It wouldn't be "responsible" to...
Leave a job
Travel for a year
Date that person
Spend that money
Cut off that relationship
Do the deepest desire on your heart
Good girl conditioning is so pervasive in ways I'm really only starting to recognize in myself. I've held on for decades to guilt as a personality trait, a performative characteristic to signal all the ways in which I knew I was being "naughty," or not doing the "right" thing.
But it turns out, guilt is the shadow side of what I call "performative responsibility": following the good rules, the right rules, the virtuous rules, so I can have others think I am "good" and so I myself can think of myself as "a good person."
Here's the dangerous part, though: What if you are being responsible to a moral code you never consciously signed up for?
And what if the secret goal of that moral code was not to keep you on the straight and narrow and keep you safe... but to keep you small and quiet?
And like almost everything that's in the water we're all swimming in these days... that unconscious moral code? Yup. It comes from white supremacy. It comes from the patriarchy. It comes from capitalism.
So a prompt I’d like to offer today is, what do you WANT to be responsible for?
What can you STOP being responsible for?
Where are you judging others for “not being responsible” and how is that actually probably a judgment of yourself or a self-limitation?
And where can you actually be more IRRESPONSIBLE in your life in a way that would serve you or bring you joy?
I think a lot of people are afraid to run towards irresponsibility because they assume it means something like blowing your kid's college fund to the ground so you can go to Burning Man or whatever, but let's instead put it this way: being irresponsible is not about harming yourself or others, but what this topic IS all about is defining your OWN code of truth and responsibility.
Let's go deeper. If you're looking for some journaling prompts or topics of discussion with your loved ones, try this:
What is your definition of virtuous?
What is your definition of responsible?
If you're a parent, what does being a responsible parent mean to you?
If you're in partnership, what does it look like to be responsible in that container? (This is why it's so important to discuss this and get clear on yourself. You have people who are in polyamorous or open relationships or who are only looking for sexual relations and are clear about it who are being far more "responsible" to themselves and others than people in monogamous relationships.)
What does it mean to be a responsible employee, or employer?
What does it mean to you to be responsible with money? (Your responsibility could be spending all of the money you earn on pure and total joy; responsibility is not about saving all the time.)
I'll leave you with this final thought:
The well-lived and intentional life focuses far less on being responsible or good and more on being true.
Let's work to reclaim your wild, irresponsible self. therein lies that truth, as well as your joy and your humanity.
PS: Are you ready to learn about what your true desires are and how to live them? I will be re-launching my flagship course, an Introduction to Intentional Living, January 2022. Stay tuned for the course that past participants have said "was a turning point in my life" and "absolutely worth the time and financial investments." The course is for the person who feels as if they don't yet truly know themselves but is ready to go on a self-discovery adventure. If you've struggled with perfectionism, people-pleasing, codependency, self-doubt, and wondering what you even want out of life and what goals to go after, this course will be a game-changer for you. Plus it will include weekly live coaching + teaching from me. Get ready! Enrollment will open in December.