You're doing goal-setting wrong
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Goals are not about motivation or tactics.
Happy Sunday, Soothers. One of my biggest focuses with clients and community is to help them set and achieve authentic goals (this is a huge part of my course that will open in December, an Introduction to Intentional Living). And in doing this over the past years, for them and for myself, I've learned a lot about achieving goals and what really matters when you do it.
I think like most things in life, we're taught a method for achieving goals that works for a small percentage, and doesn't work for most of us, and instead of thinking, "Huh, maybe there is something wrong with this approach," we figure that we're wrong, lazy, bad, we just don't get it.
This is especially strong in setting goals. So here are some methods and myths I want to dispel for you about setting and achieving goals that will hopefully help you go after the things you truly want in life, and do so in a nourishing way.
The "how" (aka the strategies, tactics, actions or systems) of achieving your goal is way over-focused on, but actually has the least to do with the ability to achieve the goal. For more on this, I recommend you listen to my recent podcast episode, Why the "how' of your goal does not matter, and what to do instead. This is why it doesn't matter what system, tools, calendar, accountability groups, pens, etc. you use in going after a goal. That episode gets really detailed, so definitely go listen to it, but here's the tldr; Energy, thoughts, identity, and being the person who already has the goal is the best way to go after your heart's goals and desires, not to mention more efficient and effective. I recommend stopping trying to go after your goals from the "how" and action approach, and instead try on shifting your identity first. So what's your goal? Who is the person who already has that goal? What do they do on a regular basis? What choices do they make? How do they talk about themselves? That's what you want to consider first and shift into, and the how flows from there. The how is truly secondary.
You don't need motivation to achieve your goals. You need belief, self-worth, and feeling safe in being seen. I can't remember where I heard this quote, but it was along these lines: "Motivation is the fuckboi of emotions." Motivation has NOTHING to do with your goals. Also, it only shows up when it wants to, so if you rely on feeling motivated to achieve things, you're going to be spinning your wheels for ages, blaming yourself for being lazy. So try belief: A goal has to feel feasible for you to achieve it. I recommend a ladder approach. If the goal "start my own business" feels impossible, you might start with a ladder goal: "Start a newsletter" or "Start doing one free consultation a week." Don't think you can "run a marathon"? Try the goal of "running 2x a week for 20 minutes." Then once your belief around a goal is solid, set the next ladder rung goal that feels believable, and keep going. Also, self-worth: too many of us set goals that are meant to fix us. But when we set goals from a foundation of feeling broken, that's very unstable, and we will struggle to achieve those goals. What can you do first to believe in your worth? When you set goals from a place of self-acceptance, those goals are much easier to go after because the foundation is loving and stable. So ask yourself, are your current goals secretly meant to "fix" or "improve" something you feel is broken about you? Finally, safety: A lot of our goals are going to make our desires and selves more visible to others. If you don't feel safe to do that, you will keep self-sabotage those goals out of a fear of being truly seen. Which leads to...
One of the best strategies for authentic goal-setting is working on your nervous system and your parts: When your nervous system is grounded and feels safe and settled, you aren't in fight or flight — going around trying to do all the things and staying hyper-busy and unfocused; or in dorsal — the shutdown, what's the point mode of the nervous system. Also many of us have "parts" in us that are afraid to go after goals for a variety of reasons — past wounds of rejection, criticism, shame, so they will fight with all their beings to NOT let us make progress on goals. I will be teaching this work in the Intentional Living course, because it's a complex topic, but just know it's a foundational element of going after dreams.
You need clarity in your goals, and to like your reasons. I see so many people set vague goals, or goals that are the energetic equivalent of being *over there* across a canyon — and literally no time spent on figuring out how to build the bridge that will get you to that other side of the canyon. Each goal probably has at least 10-30 (or more!) sub-steps or bridge steps, and if you can identify those, break them down, and begin tackling them, that will help you begin building the bridge. Also, what is your "why" for the goal? I challenge you to come up with at least 10 reasons you want to achieve this goal, and then really look at those reasons: do you like them? Yeah? Great. Then go for it.
You don't know what you want. This is so very common especially in sensitive people who struggle with codependency and over-focusing on the needs of those around us, and it is nothing to be ashamed of. But if you don't know what you want, but feel you "should" be going after goals and growth anyways, you will be flailing around, throwing random darts at random spots, and wondering why you never want to continue working on the goals.
Honestly, there are a million more thoughts I have about goals and dreams, too many to put in one newsletter. But here's what I'd like to leave you with: You're not bad. You're not lazy. You're not stupid. Yes, you may be self-sabotaging but it's not for any flaw in who you are as a person. It's because you need a better approach and foundation to go after your goals, one steeped in gentle self-discovery, compassionate identity shifts, safety, compassion, self-belief and nervous system work.
What you want can be done. You deserve it. Try some of these tactics above, and see how they shift things for you. I'd love to hear what you think or your favorite ways of achieving your dreams.
Are you ready to learn about how to go after authentic, values-based goals in a supportive setting with coaching and community? I will be re-launching my flagship course, an Introduction to Intentional Living, January 2022. Stay tuned for the course that past participants have said "was a turning point in my life" and "absolutely worth the time and financial investments." The course is for the person who feels as if they don't yet truly know themselves but is ready to go on a self-discovery adventure and figure out what goals they truly want. Get ready! Enrollment will open in December.