What does self-compassion have to do with achieving your goals?

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Happy Sunday, Soothers. I work with a lot of high achievers. A lot of perfectionists. A lot of hard-on-themselves types of people. (Any Enneagram 3s out there? I see you, I am one of you.)

For most of their lives, these clients have gotten to their goals through hard work, determination, grit, relentless pursuits. Late nights, early mornings, after hours, all of their hearts poured into a thing.

And alongside these efforts, a tool they've used endlessly has been self-criticism and self-beratement.

When clients come to me, usually they are aware at some level that the tool of self-criticism and being so hard on themselves isn't truly serving them anymore, and is in fact harming them, but 1. they don't really know how to stop 2. they don't believe in their core that self-kindness and self-compassion will get them to where they want to go. They're curious about this whole compassion thing, but highly skeptical. They assume that self-compassion simply looks like being passive or giving up on goals, or half-heartedly trying and THEN giving up when the going gets tough. Or it looks like totally letting themselves off the hook, sitting on the couch forever, never making any moves towards their dreams.

(Let's leave aside the fact that hard work actually is not really necessary for you to achieve your goals. I have whole metaphor around this involving both a flower and also, uh, sperm and egg. It makes sense, promise. I'll try to write about it in a future issue.)

I was kicking off an engagement with a new client recently who I could see was intrigued by the idea of self-compassion, but whose brain started to slightly break when they tried to picture how that approach would actually help them move them towards their outcomes.

I must admit, I've had a hard time making this practice tangible, too. Self-compassion is great, but, like... how? Why? When? How does it, ya know, WORK?

The best I could come up in the moment for my client was this metaphor, which I actually think works pretty well.

Imagine you're standing on one platform. On the other platform, quite a distance away, is your goal. Between the two is a tightrope, or a really narrow beam. Below, there's a bit of a fall, so if you were to tumble, you'd fall into that space.

Self-criticism and berating yourself is like looking at that space between you and your goal, and the tightrope, and underneath is a bunch of bear traps and spikey metal pointers.

Self-compassion is like looking at that space between you and your goal, and the tightrope, and underneath is is a bunch of pillows, down mattresses, assorted general soft and fuzzy things.

Either way, there's a gap between you and your desired outcome. But which one is going to help you get the courage to get on that tightrope and start walking, wobbly?

Duh, the one with the pillows. Because if you fall — which you will — you'll land, unharmed, in a pile of softness, with the ability to get back up on the tightrope and keep trying.

If you see the floor full of spikey metal things, on the other hand, either 1. you'll never start, because, uh, that's terrifying or 2. when you do inevitably fall, which would be so natural when going after something new, the experience would be so painful you'd either permanently damage yourself or never want to try again.

Additionally, in which scenario are you likelier to even begin? To even get on that tightrope at all? The one with the soft pillows.

So self-compassion looks like this: Gentle encouragement to start. A soft place to land (in the form of your self-talk to yourself). Gentle encouragement to get back on the tightrope. Gentle belief. Kindness when you stumble and fall over and over again. In fact, an understanding that you WILL absolutely fall over and over again, and that's why you need the soft landing place.

Then, with patience, it's inevitable: You'll learn how to walk that tightrope. You'll make it to the other platform, intact and whole. And when it's time for a new goal, you'll have so much self-belief and self-trust that have come with this compassion, that you'll feel safe in the starting.

Ready to learn how to use self-compassion in achieving your goals? Consider signing up for my Introduction to Intentional Living course (waitlist here) that begins enrolling in December. This is a 12-week e-course, community and coaching program to learn about authentic self-discovery, your core values, how to gently and intentionally create the life you desire, and overcome fear-based and perfectionism thinking in the process of doing so. If you're tired of feeling like a passive participant in your own story — but aren’t sure how or where to start building an authentic life that you love, this is the soft landing place for you.