My unique trick for stopping rumination cycles
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Happy Sunday, Soothers. I bet many of you have read the excellent book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski (if not, please do!). The book helps you understand why you might feel chronically stressed and anxious in terms of our bodies, stress hormones, and our nervous systems; in very simplified terms, we're often stuck in an unfinished stress loop in our bodies, and we need to complete the loop by processing the stress.
The Nagoskis offer several tips for completing the stress cycle, including the following: Physical activity; crying; affection; deep breathing; creativity; laughing, and, they note, there are so many more but those are some great places to start.
I have a specific way of completing the stress cycle that I'd like to share with you today that I find is particularly effective for my audience (introspective, self-critical, highly sensitive, a bit detached from their bodies and living in their heads).
I believe that rumination cycles are actually unfinished stress cycles for some people. I think rumination is how stress shows up for many of us who are disconnected from our bodies. So the experience of stress is often in our bodies, yes, but also manifests in looping, fear-based and negative, worst-case thoughts that we can't seem to stop no matter what we do or what evidence we have that factually and logically, everything is actually okay and more than likely to be totally fine or even good.
This is, because as the Nagoskis note in their book, "One thing we know for sure doesn’t work: just telling yourself that everything is okay now. Completing the cycle isn’t an intellectual decision; it’s a physiological shift. Just as you don’t tell your heart to continue beating or your digestion to continue churning, the cycle doesn’t complete by deliberate choice."
So yes, physical movement and connection and laughter and such can help complete these cycles because they show, not tell, our bodies that we're safe.
But there's another way, too, I want to offer today, one I think we avoid because we believe it would be extremely unhelpful:
Writing out all the worst-case scenarios you are ruminating on.
But with one important addition: You treat each of those worries and fears as extremely valid, and for each of them, you write down the literal, incredibly specific and true plan of how you would approach it or solve for it in the event it did come up, and then you follow through as necessary on each of the steps.
This strategy is something I use because of my interest in and success with what is referred to as "parts work." The best explanation of parts work, what it is and how you can begin to be with it I've seen comes in this short Instagram video. As Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems, which is a kind of "parts work," says, "All of us are born with many sub-minds―or parts. These parts are not imaginary or symbolic. They are individuals who exist as an internal family within us―and the key to health and happiness is to honor, understand, and love every part."
I believe that when we are having ruminating fear-based thoughts, that these are thoughts of younger parts of us, stuck in a past moment of wounding, activated by a present situation that reminds them of that terrifying or emotionally difficult moment.
In short, the stress cycle we are experiencing is that of a part of ourselves, often a pretty young part (inner child) and so sometimes the current, in-the-moment physical, creative or connecting strategies offered by the Nagoskis will not actually work, because the stress cycle is an ancient one, specific to a particular wounding of the past.
An example is perhaps you have ruminating thoughts around money, but you make more than enough each month via your paycheck, your job is good and solid, and you manage your money well. But perhaps you grew up in a situation of financial trauma or chaos as a child, and that stress cycle that child underwent is still alive in you today, uncompleted.
Your young part's stress cycle doesn't understand that the past is the past, and that the present is different from the past. Time is non-linear to your parts; even if this financial chaos and trauma happened 30 years ago, it feels as alive today as that past moment.
And the Nagoskis are absolutely correct in their take that "One thing we know for sure doesn’t work: just telling yourself that everything is okay now."
Those of you who have financial-based fear ruminations probably know this. You can check your bank account and pay stubs over and over again, saving or even hoarding money, never spending, trying to prove to or convince yourself of your monetary safety. And I'm willing to bet that the rumination cycles still weigh heavy.
This is because our parts, particularly our young parts, don't speak in the language of the cognitive. Facts mean nothing to them. Numbers, "proof," data, don't convince them of their safety.
So what does?
Being SHOWN that things are truly safe, not told.
And this is how I do this for my parts, and how I recommend you try it, too.
Notice where you are ruminating. Is it about harm of a loved one, money, dating, what?
Write down literally everything you are terrified that could happen. Get extremely specific and write down ALL of it, as much as you can. A lot of my clients struggle with dating; some fears include living alone, dying alone, never having a family, not having savings or anybody to take care of them in old age, etc. That's a bigger, serious example, but you can also do this for "smaller" issues that feel alive and potent. I do this a lot around when I'm selling a course, with my main fears being along the lines of "nobody enrolls" or "people get mad/annoyed at me for selling them stuff." Also right now I'm thinking about buying a home and I'm freaking out about doing it as self-employed; I found the process of buying my current condo extremely overwhelming even as somebody with regular paychecks, what's it gonna be like as a self-employed person with variable income?!? I also have clients who ruminate about social situations, especially around COVID, so we'd write out stuff like "I'm afraid my family member will make fun of me for still wearing a mask" or "I'm afraid I'll get COVID," etc. For those of you with financial worries, you may write out "I will go bankrupt" or "I will lose my home" or "I won't be able to pay rent next month," etc.
Next, write out the literal steps you would take, things you would do, etc, for each of the fears you have named. And I'm not talking stuff like "Well I would be fine and maybe I'd get a loan." I'm talking EXTREMELY SPECIFIC. Like, when I'm freaking out that my audience is going to get mad at me for selling/marketing too much, I write down the exact phrases I would reply to anybody who criticized me, or create a plan like, "I will read the negative feedback, go cry to my boyfriend about it (who has been warned in advance that I just need a hug), then I will evaluate the comment for any truth and create a way to address the feedback going forward, then sending a neutral but short reply to the person who sent it." I've had clients who have had the worry about dying alone without enough financial resources, and then they have created the plan of scheduling a meeting with a financial advisor the next month to plan out what they need to figure out if that is really the case. Or if it's about having a family, they say "By age 41 if I have not met a partner to have a family with, I will contact [insert name of local fertility clinic or adoption agency, and discover my next-step options]" for example. For those experiencing social anxiety around COVID social situations, we write out the exact possible phrase they could say to the family member, or write down that before the social event they will buy several rapid at-home tests so they have them ready to test themselves afterwards, and then also write down exactly what they will do in the event they do start experiencing symptoms (the medical care provider they would go to, how they would get there, how to explain to their boss and request PTO to heal, etc).
If parts of your plan involve you needing to take steps now, you immediately follow through as soon as possible, not just leave the plan on paper. In the COVID example, you would buy those rapid tests as soon as possible, research your care provider, write down the sentence to say to the mask-mocking family member, etc. This step is CRITICAL! This is where the "showing" of our parts come in; they see that by our actions we are validating their fears and actually taking steps to resolve them. If you write down all the things you could do on paper but then don't actually put them into action, the parts will remain scared and stuck in rumination.
Keep that plan around in your journal for future reference when and if the fears start to arise again; add on as needed.
I think this can sound a little off the charts, too extreme, and I think perhaps for some people this approach could make them continue to spiral in the rumination so YMMV, but every time I have done it or had a client do it, it has significantly helped. You've shown your young part, through your extremely specific step-by-step logistics and then actionable follow-through, that actually, you have a plan. You do know how to take care of them. You won't abandon them emotionally *or* logistically if their fears come to pass. They start to relax, and trust you.
And that's where this exercise does more than just help end or minimize rumination cycles:
It helps you begin to repair your self-trust with yourself and your parts.
You see, I believe that a huge reason our parts engage in fear-based rumination is that they do not think we can take care of ourselves in some manner, so they must start thinking really loudly these ruminations, because it's the only way they can get our attention about what they perceive to be something that is really activating and dangerous to them.
When we listen to these thoughts and fears without judgment; when we create space and compassion for the thoughts to be articulated; and when we create specific and authentic plans for what our parts are terrified could happen, and how we would genuinely deal with those possibilities, a beautiful thing happens:
We start to trust ourselves again.
We start to understand we can have our own backs.
We realize that no, we cannot prevent inevitable losses and pain, but that we are not passive in the face of them, either.
We are resilient. We are true. We have agency, and we have resources and ways of continuing in a life.
So next time you catch yourself experiencing rumination, consider that it is the unfinished stress cycle of a young part in you. Create space for that young part to spill out all their fears without judgment, even (especially) the "ridiculous" sounding ones. Then parent that young part. Create your plans. Take the necessary action. Show them that you have their backs. And then notice, afterwards, how you feel.
My hope for you is that you feel empowered, resilient, supported, and worthy. Because that is your truth, and you can create that for yourself, and all parts of you.
Ready to create radical self-trust and action plans for all parts of you? Consider signing up for my Introduction to Intentional Living course (waitlist here) that begins enrolling in December. This is a 12-week e-course, community and coaching program to learn about authentic self-discovery, your core values, how to gently and intentionally create the life you desire, and overcome fear-based and perfectionism thinking in the process of doing so. If you're tired of feeling like a passive participant in your own story — but aren’t sure how or where to start building an authentic life that you love, this is the soft landing place for you.