What we get wrong about the inner critic
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Happy Sunday, Soothers. In honor of my upcoming workshop on Healing Your Inner Critic on February 27th (replay provided), I wanted to tell you a little bit about my inner critic journey and how I've come into right relationship with her.
I think we have a misguided approach to our inner critics. Most of the guidance on how to "rid" ourselves (I don't even like that term) of an inner critic is centered on repressing, ignoring, invalidating, berating and shaming that voice inside of our heads that tells us nasty things about ourselves, stuff like how ugly or stupid we are, tells us not to bother trying, tells us that we're an embarrassment, that has us replaying past exchanges in cringe loops, that tells us we must be perfect to deserve love but probably that even perfect isn't good enough.
Since the inner critic can be so cruel and nasty and debilitating, it makes sense that many of the tactics used to try to repair it can center deeply on expelling it from our brains. If you had an infestation of pests in your house, you would work with an exterminator to get rid of them.
It's a nice idea, and seems logical, but there's only one problem I see with it:
It doesn't actually work.
I know, because I tried. For years in addressing my inner critic I tried everything to rid myself of it. Harsh words, condemnation, affirmations, journaling, listing all the reasons the stuff it said wasn't true... Sometimes these tactics worked a little, or temporarily, but never in a sustainable way. The inner critic darts would come back again sooner rather than later, leaving tiny little wounds all over my heart and soul about how much I sucked.
So what does work, in a lasting and effective way, to heal the inner critic and quiet its voice?
For me, everything changed when I realized that my inner critic? She was the voice of a terrified young child who only know how to take the words of her own self-loathing and others surrounding her as a way to, strangely, counterintuitively, but effectively, protect me from stepping into my own greatness, where I would be vulnerable, visible, possibly mocked or criticized by others. And this scared inner child? She knew the cruelty worked, and she was desperate to protect me. So the barbs kept coming.
You see, your inner critic, in my opinion, is the voice of your frightened, wounded, unhealed inner child.
But here's the good news: with compassion, gentle tending, validation and guidance, we can remove their burdens so that they can put down those poison darts, quiet that harsh inner critic voice, and finally allow you to step forward towards your dreams and desires.
Here's how I approach healing the inner critic via the inner child: Basically you approach it like you would, you know, an actual child who was in distress and needed an adult to help out. Like such:
Unburden instead of shame: As opposed to telling the inner critic that they suck, you hate them, you wish they would just disappear, you call forth your wise responsible empowered adult self to take their burdens off of them. Many of us have subconsciously tasked our inner children with stuff they are aware they don't know how to do, and we need to bring forward an adult part to take that burden off their shoulders.
Help instead of repress: Instead of just pretending you don't hear their voice in your head, you discover what your inner critic/inner child is frightened about, and you help them create a plan for their fears.
Integrate instead of rid: When you unburden your inner child, you then allow them to step forward with all of their talents; creativity, joy, playfulness, tenderness. You can then begin to incorporate these characteristics more into your present day life, too.
Validate instead of invalidate: We hold space to discover and listen to their fears with patience, honoring what seem like truly terrible possibilities and scary things to them. We don't mock their fears or try to point out why they're not realistic; we treat them as true, and we come up with ways to love ourselves and them through those fears, or to handle them if they were to come to pass.
If you struggle with your inner critic, and you're also intrigued by the concept of inner child work, I invite you to my workshop on Sunday, Feb. 27th. Part teaching, part live self-discovery and journaling exercises, part ceremony and ritual, this workshop will guide you into an entirely different way of experiencing and relating to your inner critic, that will allow you to step into self-gentleness and self-trust. All you'll need to bring is a journal and pen or pencil, as well as a goal you've been struggling with due to your inner critic.
After this workshop, you'll:
Have a better understanding of how and why the inner critic has developed
Become familiar with what activates your inner critic and have tools to soothe and quiet it
Be able to move compassionately in new ways towards a goal or desire that your inner critic has kept you from
Enjoy this teaching and healing done in community with others just like you
Today is the last chance to get the early bird price of $77 on my workshop, Healing Your Inner Critic, before it goes up to $99 on Monday, Feb. 21st. Using all of the above strategies, I'll create an environment in this workshop for two hours of tender self-inquiry. You can expect lots of ah-has, insights, tools for self-compassion, and knowing you're doing the workshop in community along others just like you.
Hope to see you there.