How can you learn to actually understand yourself?
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Happy Sunday, Soothers.
“Humans are more settled by being understood, than they are by anything else.”
I got a DM on Instagram this past week from my follower/Soother reader Morgan, who asked me, “Random Q but have you ever read Your Resonant Self by Sarah Peyton??”
Rare is it that I feel like I haven’t heard either of a book or an author in the sphere of my interests, so I immediately searched Sarah Peyton out. Turns out, she is a neuroscience educator, facilitator trainer and author, writing and teaching on “a compassionate understanding of the effects of relational trauma on the brain and how to heal with resonance.” Yup, sounds up my alley. (Thanks, Morgan!)
As I was browsing her website and posts, one quote in particular she had leapt out at me as one of the truest things I’ve ever heard:
“Humans are more settled by being understood, than they are by anything else.”
I believe this so deeply; I’ve experienced it as one understood by another person, and also as somebody who strives to deeply understand and reflect back that understanding to my coaching clients and students. There are a billon lovely healing tactics and approaches out there, but rarely have I felt more settled than when I’ve felt truly seen, or when somebody can take my hand, lead me out of the fog of a confusing experience, stand with me on the banks looking back, and explain to me what was happening and why.
I think we all know this at some cellular level, the power of really being seen and understood. And I think we crave it, deeply. But I think we also chase after this sense of being understood in a variety of ways that don’t serve us, that may confuse or harm us further, and I wanted to explore today some ways you can begin to gain true understanding for yourself.
I know from whence (is that the saying??) what I’m talking about. I have felt deeply misunderstood most of my life: by family, potential friends, partners, work systems, etc. For the longest time, I thought the remedy to this sensation of deep otherness was multiple:
Contort myself to fit in as much as possible. I did this in the deep yearning to be part of a social circle in middle and high school and really even into my 20s and 30s. I was a social chameleon, dressing in ways I thought would gain me approval, learning to make others laugh, say the right things, censor opinions I knew wouldn’t be accepted. My codependency was deep.
People please. Related to the above, I made myself wrong when I felt threats of danger or exclusion so that I could stay in the circles, stay in this false model of being understood. As a natural empath and compassionate giver, I would also overextend myself with offers and services to stay accepted and welcome. Boundaries were a foreign concept to me.
Overexplain myself: If I was feeling misunderstood, surely the way to remedy that was to… get others to understand me through my words. I would prepare reams of written stories, clean and clever narratives of my truth and experiences, and offer them up on silver platters, convinced that if only others would listen, they would know where I was coming from; they would confirm my narrative as true, as righteous, as just, as correct. If only I could explain myself well enough, they would get me.
Finally, if and when all of that inevitably failed, I would turn to the stronghold of the codependent people-pleaser: control. I tried to control others’ interpretations of me, to make sure I was only being viewed and interpreted positively, to set up situations or communications in a way that I felt safe and understood and justified and welcomed. I would also try to get others to change; shame their behavior, make demands of how they needed to act around me, things they needed to do for me to prove themselves, words they needed to say or not say so that my sea of emotions wouldn’t be roiled by their swimming entry.
It won’t shock any of you reading that these tactics sort of worked, for a sort of a period, but ultimately had the effect of making me feel more hollow and misunderstood over time.
I was on to something knowing that feeling understood is one of the best ways to feel settled.
But I was going about it all wrong.
And the reality was also that I didn’t even understand myself.
So how can you explore and attain the resonance of feeling understood and seen in this universe? If it’s not something you can truly gain from others, where do you even begin?
Here are some tactics that may help if you see yourself in any of the above:
Create for yourself a coherent narrative of your past. This is where therapy or coaching can be so helpful, but you can also do this on your own through journaling. Having an outside perspective or mirror to help you understand confusing or painful episodes from your past, and sort the jumbled puzzle pieces of your childhood or adolescence, is crucial. When journaling, I would recommend with starting writing descriptions of your caregivers, separately, as you understood them as a child. Sometimes even just writing a list of 10 adjectives of your caregivers can help you gain some clarity. I also like to recommend writing down a list of 5–10 phrases you heard consistently throughout your childhood, or 3–5 childhood memories that you remember very clearly, even if they “seemed” insignificant (you wouldn’t remember them super clearly if they were insignificant; if they are strong, clear memories, they are emotionally resonant for a reason). Finally you may also want to write down 10 ways or adjectives you would describe yourself as a child. Think of these as putting together some of the early puzzle pieces and gaining small bits of clarity to understanding your past narrative. Also, if you had very hurtful or traumatic experiences as a child, don’t force yourself down this path if it is painful and overwhelming; search out the support of a skilled coach or therapist, particularly those who specialize in relational repair.
Create a coherent narrative of your present, and of why certain things are hard for you. Write down 1–2 experiences or memories from the past year or two that felt exceedingly hard; that you knew you were “overreacting” to and didn’t know why; or that spun you out — aka you were constantly ruminating about them or experiencing overwhelming anxiety about them. Then, for each experience write down 5–10 ways you felt; 5–10 thoughts you were having; and 5–10 things you feared might happen in those situations. Look at those lists. What is the earliest time in your childhood that reminds you of what is coming up? Why then would it make sense that these current experiences as an adult are hard for you now, given of what they might remind you of? How can you nurture yourself through those type of experiences now, instead of perhaps forcing or grinding yourself through them? What boundaries might you need to set around those types of experiences?
Learn your needs. The truth is that nobody can even begin to understand or meet our needs if we ourselves don’t have a great concept of them first. But I know many of us reading the Soother probably don’t have a deep understanding of our own needs, so here is an exercise to back into them a bit. Write down 5 times you felt truly happy and safe. For each of those times, write down 5 reasons you think you felt that way. Then, write down 5 times you felt unsafe, unhappy or unseen. Then for each of those times, write down 5 reasons you think you felt that way. Looking at these lists of each, take a stab at what you do need — aka situations or ways of being that make you feel safe and good (you might list stuff like “community, space to tell my stories without judgment, lots of alone time, lots of time overall to process, gentleness” etc.). And look at the reverse — what are the situations that made you feel confused or unsafe and their characteristics? What would be the opposite of the things that happened in those situations? For example if you felt in one situation “rushed, pressured, left out” the opposites might be “lots of space, lots of time, feeling included.”
Self-validation and need meeting. Then, once you are beginning to have a coherent understanding of your past, of things that are presently difficult for you, and your authentic needs, brainstorm 5 small ways you can begin parenting yourself and meeting these needs. For example, if one thing you’re realizing you’re needing is feeling included, how can you give that to yourself? Many of us self-abandon — we’ll cave to pressure to do things we don’t want to do, or abandon goals or practices when stuff like work seems it needs to take priority. So meeting your own need of feeling included may include something like, “Stop hanging out with that one friend who always puts me down” or “Participate more in that online community where I am generally a lurker.” If you named “rest” as something you need, can you begin going to bed 10 minutes earlier? So many of us are so conditioned to believe that needs can only be met by others, but truly, you are the only one who can meet your own needs, so you’ll want to start this practice in small ways.
These are just a few simple exercises to get you started on your self-understanding journey, but also know this: For many of us, this is the work of several years, or sometimes a lifetime. So go easy and soft and gentle.
If you’re ready to feel more understood — by yourself, by a gentle, nourishing community who also struggles with these issues, and by me as your coach and guide — consider signing up for my Introduction to Intentional Living course (waitlist here) that begins enrolling in December. This is a 12-week e-course, community and coaching program to learn about authentic self-discovery, your core values, how to gently and intentionally create the life you desire, and overcome fear-based and perfectionism thinking in the process of doing so. If you’re tired of feeling like a passive participant in your own story — but aren’t sure how or where to start building an authentic life that you love, this is the soft landing place for you.
Finally, know this: I experienced much of my life as foggy and reactive. I felt sometimes I was pinballing between experiences, confused and lost, simultaneously overreactive and desperate to not be abandoned. And though this work still continues for me today, I am so much more myself. I know myself. I understand myself. I love myself. I continue to work on boundaries and naming needs and believing I’m deserving of others love, but I am so much further along than even just a few years ago. And you can be, too. You deserve this. I believe it with all of my heart.