How to begin practicing “healthy control”
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Happy Sunday, Soothers. My name is Catherine, and I’m a recovering control freak.
And I know I’m not alone.
If you identify as a sensitive person, who struggles with people-pleasing, an inner critic, poor boundaries, overextending yourself and trying to “fix” others by offering constant advice, it’s likely you may be coming into awareness around your need for control, too.
And it’s okay. As always, first: compassion. A need for control is not a character flaw, or even who you really are, at your core. It developed as a coping mechanism and protective strategy to stay safe, likely when you were very young, likely when you felt adrift in a chaotic, unstable situation. And it likely worked pretty well for a time!
And though we can have compassion for ourselves around it, as we grow into our authentic selves, many of us are probably realizing that control no longer works. In fact, it may be making our lives a lot worse: pushing away people, preventing authentic connections, edging us towards burnout, occupying way too much brain and soul space, and, eventually, ultimately, making us the ones being controlled.
That’s right. When we are trying to control others and situations, we are actually being controlled by receiving our self-esteem and self-validation only when we receive our desired outcome.
So what do we do? I think when we come into awareness around our own need for control, we assume that the opposite must be our next step: We must become the zen surfer lady, the “cool” girl, somebody who is totally chill, never worries, and has completely abandoned their need to control anything.
Let me tell you from personal experience: that doesn’t work. Like, at all.
So what to do instead?
Let me introduce what I use: the concept of “healthy control.”
This is how it works for me:
First, I identify situations where I am likely to feel a need for control. For me, these are primarily in business/sales, romance, family and social situations. I know this because these are the situations where I can notice my nervous system being activated if stuff begins to feel “unsafe;” these are the situations where I catch myself thinking or saying a lot that a person “should” be doing something that they’re not; these are the situations where I try to calmly and neutrally present an idea of how somebody should do something to that person, masked in the guise of wanting to help, but really with ulterior motives of gaining my own desired outcome.
Then, when one of these situations arises, I put my “healthy control” plan into place.
I had an event recently where I felt my need for control overwhelming me like a deep ocean wave, threatening to suck me and everybody else there underneath the tow. This is what I did for “healthy control”:
I wrote a letter to the scared part of myself that is the one who wants to control everything so she feels safe. I told her I would always be with her and always keep her safe myself; I didn’t try to push her away or shame her.
I simply observed all my ideas that came up about how I could get other people to do the things I felt I needed them to do.
Then, I turned inward, and I made my “healthy control” list: 10–20 things that I, and I alone, was in absolute control of and that I would turn to during the situation. This list included stuff like the following:
Limiting the amount of alcohol I drank
Increasing the amount of water I drank
Not drinking caffeine the day of
Doing meditation and breathwork the day before and day of
Always speaking from compassion
Going outside for fresh air when I needed
In times when I felt myself edging close to saying something controlling or, uh, let’s just say, “not nice,” I would instead commit to a neutral “mmmhmmm” and excuse myself to the bathroom
Next, I turned outward. I wrote down all the things I could think of that I was scared of going “wrong” (in my mind, anyways) and wrote down a plan for how I would address them if they were to take place. For example, my scared part often wants to control feeling left out. So, if I was feeling left out at any point, I made the plan that I would go up to another person who was standing alone and introduce myself, or make plans to walk up and join another group of people.
This may seem complicated, but this “healthy control” approach has saved my butt numerous times. It’s just reality that I am not, by nature, a chill person (hellloooo multiple Capricorn, Virgo and Scorpio placements). So instead of trying to fake my way to being the “cool girl,” I shift my need for control in a way that’s both more gentle and effective, and ultimately, healthier:
I plan ways to care of myself, I acknowledge what’s in my control, I plan for what’s not, and I let go where I can.
And, most importantly of all with heathy control: I use my need for control not to control other people, but to do the most important thing we can do that is totally within our control:
Have our own damn backs.
I hope this helps you have your own back, too. Because you, and your scared parts: you all deserve it.
Ready to live intentionally, with more “healthy control”? Consider signing up for my Introduction to Intentional Living course (waitlist here) that begins enrolling in December. This is a 12-week e-course, community and coaching program to learn about authentic self-discovery, your core values, how to gently and intentionally create the life you desire, and overcome fear-based and perfectionism thinking in the process of doing so. If you’re tired of feeling like a passive participant in your own story — but aren’t sure how or where to start building an authentic life that you love, this is the soft landing place for you.