Shouldn't feeling good feel... easy? I'm not so sure.

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Happy Sunday, Soothers. If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen that I'm on an October phone challenge, where I'm not using my phone one hour before bed, or within one hour of waking up. And it's felt so lovely. I'm winning the battle against the demon phone and the mindless scrolling! I am virtuous! Take that, addictive technology and agents of numbing!

I gave myself this phone challenge because, yes, my scrolling and phone use were starting to feel out of hand. I also know that it's never great for me to go cold turkey restrictive on something or, alternatively, set up sort of vague boundaries that I then forget to stick too, or nudge my way around. The one hour before bed and after waking up felt easy to remember, easy to do, extremely clear, it's obvious why not having my phone in the bedroom is good for me, and so on.

But I also chose to do it because I've been trying to access something that feels ephemeral and intangible and far away to me these past couple of years: authentic, nourished joy.

I have been starting to draw connections between energetic leaks or poor boundaries in my life (scrolling, mindless eating or drinking, overworking) and the lack of nourished joy I've felt for the last couple of years.

To be clear, my life has plenty of joyful things in it: family, friends, partnership, my work and clients, a warm, comfortable home and so much privilege.

And yet, specifically in the past couple of years of the pandemic and starting up my business, things have felt hollow more than I would like, or, I think the technical term is, "go-y through the motions-y."

At home all the time, working by myself and for myself, it's easy to turn to my phone, to work, to scrolling especially when I'm not focused on clients or creating in those moments in between meetings or tasks.  Sometimes I even catch myself doing what I've taken to calling "wraithing": literally wandering the 900 square feet of my condo trying to think of things to do. Basically picking things up, putting them down, half-heartedly cleaning something or tidying, going from room to room like a well-meaning but listless Condo Ghost, flitting from to-do list item to the next.

As I've worked to identify energy leaks that keep me in this diffuse state of listlessness, and focus on creating those stronger boundaries around my energy and the tasks I take on, I've also begun a self-inquiry on something that's proven a lot more elusive than I would have suspected:

What the fuck to do for fun that actually feels good.

It feels embarrassing to admit that most of the time, I have no idea 1. what brings me joy 2. how to get and do those things that do bring me joy once I've identified them, but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. A lot of this is pandemic-related for sure, but it's also something I know I once had a natural talent for and lost somewhere along the way.

Or did I? I was journaling on this topic the other day, using the method of writing back and forth to my inner child as I often do, and she wrote me, "You actually know what you like to do and what's fun, you're just scared to actually start doing it again."

These inner children. So sassy. So wise.

The first step into re-accessing this knowledge has been the slow stepping away from my phone. The phone and its apps feel like the sugar of nourishment: a quick hit you crave time after time and that's easy to reach for but that ultimately leaves you feeling wired and a little wild-eyed and hungry, craving something more nourishing.

The second step I'm exploring now is not immediately turning to work or self-improvement to fill the space and time left by better boundaries around my technology use. If the phone is the pure sugar, the work and the self-improvement, when not done from a place of loving compassion and grounded desire to grow and instead done out of boredom or a frantic desire to not feel the way you're feeling, kind of seem like Snackwells to me (please tell me you remember Snackwells too). Their packaging promises that elusive hint of virtue and growth but ultimately it's just more distractions and quick fixes.

And the next step? Rediscovering authentic joy and pleasure that feels nourishing. Activities and ways of being that don't hint at virtue or improvement or productivity, but also aren't surface level and zingy and distracting and sugary.

My inner child is right: I do know what a lot of these are. Reading for hours. Cooking. Movies in the theater. Endless walks in nature. Homemade dinners with small groups of friends. Teaching my students and being with my clients. Games. Nothing wild or far-fetched. Things that require me to be in the moment, connected with people or something larger than myself, stories, creativity, grounded presence. Slow things.

But the weird thing is, these don't always feel easy to step into. Hypervigilance, shame, feeling lack of safety, perfectionism — I've found all of these are hanging on to my back as I try to step more towards these moments of grounded presence and joy. And the more I resist them, the stronger they get.

So I keep walking slowly, willingly, towards authentic joy, towards these moments, away from the mantle of Condo Ghost (lol, she feels so real!) and phone zombie and I tell myself over and over again I am willing to relearn this. I knew this once. I can know it again. It is my birthright.

I wanted to offer this to you today if you too struggle with feeling like you don't know what makes you feel good, or how to get there, or even if the feeling good and authentic pleasure don't feel safe or available to you for whatever reason, too. I know: it feels ridiculous sometimes to be like, "How do I have fun? How can I feel good again?"

But you're not alone in that, and it's not weird. It's not wrong. I imagine it's more common than a lot of us are admitting, to each other or even to ourselves.

Joy is our birthright. Presence is our nature. Grounded connection is what we're wired for. AND, after decades of striving and working and earning and trying to fit an approval mode and looking to others for approval and validation, it *can* be difficult to remember those things, to turn back inwards to what warms our heart and feeds our soul. 

These may be forgotten knowledge for you today, but the faint memories of them DO live in you, and you know how to go forward towards them.  I hope you'll join me as we walk towards that path, once again.

Are you ready to learn about how to go after authentic, values-based goals and nourishment in a supportive setting with coaching and community? I will be re-launching my flagship course, an Introduction to Intentional Living, January 2022. Stay tuned for the course that past participants have said "was a turning point in my life" and "absolutely worth the time and financial investments." The course is for the person who feels as if they don't yet truly know themselves but is ready to go on a self-discovery adventure and figure out what goals they truly want. Get ready and sign up for the waitlist here! Enrollment will open in December.